Posted by susan47 on March 18, 2009, at 17:54:00
In reply to Re: Empty » Joan797, posted by susan47 on August 7, 2006, at 22:41:53
> I'm a victim too but I'm a victim of my own f*cking mind, darling. As are you. Don't you get it? You're doing this to you, nobody is making you do this nobody is holding a gun to your head saying feel Bad about yourself, you Don't Deserve anything better, Honey, You Made This Bed Now You Have To Lie In It. You're calling yourself a victim. Clearly, you made this happen. Yeah you can make it different.
> Don't you just f*cking HATE it when people say stuff like that? Doesn't it just drive you insane? It drove me Nuts to Realize, that I was different from the rest of the sane world. Nuts. I hated it and I hated me and I Still Cannot Understand Why In The Name of God, Am I The Only Person Hurting Like This? Why am I bleeding silently all over the floor, the walls, the mirrors ...
> everything has my blood on it.
> Everything. Nobody bled more than I did. You know that Joan, I've explained it. I don't remember a response. I don't remember hearing back from you when I told you Exactly How Hard it was .. and I wish I were talking about a certain gorgeous male's C*ck .. but we're not .. we're not and I never will be, I will Never be Allowed to Have what I Really, Really and Truly, Desire.
> The Most.
> In my life.
> Short as it is, short as they all are. Damn.Wednesday 18 March 2009
And I've come to realize, that this is all, on a certain level, utter and complete nonsense. It was a mind stoned on marihuana, a mind only feeling and not capable of thinking rationally, but a mind and an ego stirred up to a certain level wanting to BE in this world, and not merely going from bedknob to doorpost to grave ... and it was a grave error in judgment, to let it all Hang Out the way I did, and then to tell some people about it, and the only saving grace of all of it, really, if there really is a saving grace, Grace ... is that I don't think anyone, not one person, took me seriously so that I am still, to a degree, anonymous. But who knows what the therapist has done, who knows what anger and fear I stirred up and made Real. I only hope I haven't destroyed his trust and faith in humanity, if there is such a thing. Most of all, I really wish I hadn't destroyed his faith in me.
I read some of the stuff, well really I can't do that yet, and think at the same time, because when I do I just want to hurt myself all over again, I end up thinking terrible things about myself, how could I go this far? I only know that at some point in the beginning, at the very beginning of my therapy with this therapist, that I decided I was going to be Brutal, and I really was. I wanted get rid of what I thought of as my Monster. The monster was me, on drugs.
But I liked feeling that way, too. I have to admit, and I turned my back on my children and I can't ever forgive myself for that. I turned my back on what really mattered.
poster:susan47
thread:674169
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20080605/msgs/885974.html