Posted by sunny10 on May 10, 2005, at 15:13:29
In reply to Sunny, posted by PM80 on May 10, 2005, at 11:51:08
>
> OK, good idea. Do you think a therapist will tell you this outright? You may have to actually ask the question. Would he be receptive to hearing this from the therapist or from you?
>
***** the therapist already knows that I have that fear and will be on the lookout for it, especially.**********
> >
> > By the way, while going through periods of depression I HAVE hurt others. No, I didn't mean to, but I DID.
>
> You DIDN'T mean to. Does this mean that you did something whose consequenses included hurting others? That their hurt was a byproduct of actions you committed, but not the actual intended goal? Everyone has been guilty of this at some point and everyone will be guilty of this again in the future. It is a very human pitfall. But I would guess that you did not choke anyone that you loved - because this is a DIRECT cause-and-effect kind of thing. He wrapped his hands around your neck until you were afraid you might die. The entire purpose of of his actions was to inflict pain on you. Your hurt was not a byproduct of his actions, it was the guiding, purposeful intent of his actions. And, in terms of intensity, I would consider this severe - not the mild to moderate of many arguments between couples(not to mention that this was not an argument, but rather an attack) What if he doesn't let go early enough next time? What would your son do without you? What if when you weren't around, he did this to your son? He got what he needed by explosively hurting you.
>
> ******The strangling WAS during an argument- also my son does not live with me and so I do not need to take him into this consideration. (My son is thrilled that we are both going to anger management therapy, both because he loves me and likes my SO, and is extremely empathtic himself AND because...) I have physically retaliated to an attack from my own SON when I was unable to control myself because I was so distraught in the past. I was the adult- I was supposed to stop HIM from using his fists and instead I physically grabbed him and shook him while hissing in his face... YES, I hurt someone else while I was hurting and mis-medicated...Because I could not express my anger with my own son's actions for the prior two weeks, this was the culmination- I am NOT proud of myself. I avoid confrontation, but then explode... now, mind you, not like that usually... usually I'm the type to bring up everything I HAVEN'T talked about that made me angry for the last year all at once... THAT's why I'm going to anger management therapy, too.... Not just for the "couples" part at the end... I have things I need to fix within myself, too...******************
> >
> > I'd like an expert to tell me whether or not my SO meant to hurt me or not.
>
> I don't think a therapist can ethically tell you what you should think about this (it's not the same as dx'ing someone a narcisist). He/she can only guide you to discover what YOU think about this. Are you afraid to be alone? That is a normal fear. For myself, I was really afraid of being alone, although I did not fully realize it at the time. The thought of being without him was almost not thinkable to me. I shied away from truly considering it even after I started to realize that I did not even like him anymore. Why? I still wonder about this because I feel much better now than I did then. I like myself now; I feel true to myself.
> ******** If he is a Narcissist, and is dx'd as such- then it will be obvious that he meant to hurt- to manipulate....************
>
> > To be quite honest, if it turns out that I am then a "codependent" that will attract a Narcissist, I am not worth saving anyway... If 20 years of off and on again therapy hasn't helped me, nothing will...
>
> That's CRAP!!!! That must be your depression talking. It may be a thought that you're fighting and are afraid is true, but it is not true. You're wonderful and still seem to be aging like the finest wine.
>
> This relationship has nothing to do with your actual worth. Period. You are a worthwhile person in any arena. You have worth.
**I am depressed by all of this- I won't deny it. All of my hopes and dreams are critically ill!!! It is probable that they are dying...I can only bring in the specialist and pray for modern medicine and a miracle****(gotta love metaphor- dontcha?!?)
poster:sunny10
thread:494515
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/496072.html