Posted by PM80 on May 10, 2005, at 11:51:08
In reply to Re: PM80, posted by sunny10 on May 10, 2005, at 9:33:38
Sunny, you are a great person. You are staying with him because you have a truly caring heart. That is a beautiful thing in and of itself. If I gave you the idea that anything else is true, I apologize. I have been in a position similar to yours; a relationship similar to yours. I am in no way trying to point blame at you or say that is your fault because you are letting it happen. Nope, no way, not at all. I stayed and stayed in my bad relationship until something I could not overlook forced my hand. (really, I mgiht still be with him otherwise {shudder}) I would like you to have the opportunity to form a loving relationship with someone who will appreciate the unconditional love that you are capable of. Because you are worth it.
> am hoping that by going to a therapist together, the therapist will be able to tell if he is a narcissist or not.OK, good idea. Do you think a therapist will tell you this outright? You may have to actually ask the question. Would he be receptive to hearing this from the therapist or from you?
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> By the way, while going through periods of depression I HAVE hurt others. No, I didn't mean to, but I DID.You DIDN'T mean to. Does this mean that you did something whose consequenses included hurting others? That their hurt was a byproduct of actions you committed, but not the actual intended goal? Everyone has been guilty of this at some point and everyone will be guilty of this again in the future. It is a very human pitfall. But I would guess that you did not choke anyone that you loved - because this is a DIRECT cause-and-effect kind of thing. He wrapped his hands around your neck until you were afraid you might die. The entire purpose of of his actions was to inflict pain on you. Your hurt was not a byproduct of his actions, it was the guiding, purposeful intent of his actions. And, in terms of intensity, I would consider this severe - not the mild to moderate of many arguments between couples(not to mention that this was not an argument, but rather an attack) What if he doesn't let go early enough next time? What would your son do without you? What if when you weren't around, he did this to your son? He got what he needed by explosively hurting you.
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> I'd like an expert to tell me whether or not my SO meant to hurt me or not.I don't think a therapist can ethically tell you what you should think about this (it's not the same as dx'ing someone a narcisist). He/she can only guide you to discover what YOU think about this. Are you afraid to be alone? That is a normal fear. For myself, I was really afraid of being alone, although I did not fully realize it at the time. The thought of being without him was almost not thinkable to me. I shied away from truly considering it even after I started to realize that I did not even like him anymore. Why? I still wonder about this because I feel much better now than I did then. I like myself now; I feel true to myself.
> To be quite honest, if it turns out that I am then a "codependent" that will attract a Narcissist, I am not worth saving anyway... If 20 years of off and on again therapy hasn't helped me, nothing will...That's CRAP!!!! That must be your depression talking. It may be a thought that you're fighting and are afraid is true, but it is not true. You're wonderful and still seem to be aging like the finest wine.
This relationship has nothing to do with your actual worth. Period. You are a worthwhile person in any arena. You have worth.
poster:PM80
thread:494515
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/496005.html