Posted by PM80 on May 6, 2005, at 15:45:51
In reply to Re: I have always run from everything » PM80, posted by sunny10 on May 6, 2005, at 14:25:25
I'm telling you right now that this is not a happy, upbeat post. BUT I want to put my 2cents in and make you think. It sounds a little harsh, but I am trying to be completely honest without sugar-coating it. Feel free to disagree with me. I do not mind. You are clearly able to think for yourself, and I like the way you think as seen throughout these boards.
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> First is that HE is as much a victim of the feelings that he has inside as I am. He has fallen into the trap of self-medicating- that's the only difference.I disagree. Choking you until you see stars does not make him a victim. Do you believe that serial killers should be let out loose becuase maybe they'll want to change and they should have that opportunity? Are serial killers simply victims of their feelings? (Jeffrey Dahmer used to drink, does that make what he did ok?) Geez, I hope not. Maybe they should be put in a psych ward, but they should not be given the opportunity to kill again. Extreme example, yes, but still very apt I think.
> If therapy can help ME to deal with my feelings, it can help him IF HE'S WILLING TO DO IT. I know that I can't do it for him. HE has to play ball this time- has to become accountable.How many times have you given him the chance to become and remain accountable? It seems like he says he will commit over and over, but never actually does. How many "he has to play ball THIS time"s are you willing to give him?
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> I am going to anger management training, too- for me it's for the reasons you mentioned. I have always been afraid of conflict of any kind and bury it (or run from it- often). I need to become assertive without becoming offensive. I need to learn to make boundaries that, as you say, ARE actually boundaries.Do think taking yourself out of an unhealthy relationship - which means telling him that he irrevocably f'd up - is offensive? He called you all sorts of things, made you look like a complete freak (which you are not), told you in direct words that you were a freak & meant it at the time, lied to his own mom so that he could cover all his bases to the outside world, and almost choked you. Is the telling the truth offensive? If so, then sometimes it is okay and healthy to be offensive. Why would you think that you need to be overly nice to him? If someone you did not know did this to your son, how would you react? Obviously, quite strongly, even probably "offensive". Would that be wrong - or an appropriate and NECESSARY response, to protect your son?
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> It takes two to tango; and yes, things did escalate, but I should have been more firm and told him the first time he deceived me that he would either go to therapy or we were through.
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> I let things escalate. But I promise you that I will not stay with him unless he at least has an appointment with the therapist within fifteen days of moving into his "own place".
> I will never take the "victim stance" and say that it was my fault that he physically hurt me.So YOU were the one who LET things escalate but you don't take the "victim" stance? I think you are contradicting yourself. Either he is responsible for his actions or you are. It cannot vary according to the severity of his actions.
>But I was not exactly a strong component in this relationship, either, and I NEED to prove to myself that I am capable of not running away from my problems, for once.
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> Does that make sense?
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Yes. Your desire makes sense. But continuing to let someone hurt you is a form of running away, of not dealing with the fact that this person has and has continued to hurt you. Standing up for yourself is NOT the same as quitting. It is not running away. Standing up for yourself and not letting this happen is being strong. You said you weren't strong enough before in this relationship. Realistically, if you had been, if you had made an ultimatum, then you would now have to be following through and leaving him now. Does it make sense to ignore the facts of the situation and call it strength?My heart goes out to you because I have seen what a beautiful person you are. You have so much to offer in any kind of relationship. Sunny, you are very special. These feelings and strivings (of a sort) speak so loudly for your character, for your own worth. I know this sounds post really harsh, but I've seen this happen and I've experienced it first-hand. I know how it feels to think that you just need to be a little bit more. To take soooo much responsibility for things that happen within a relationship. To overanlayze the past to see what you could have done better; if you had done better then things could/would have been different. Relationships are hard, but they should not be hard on the soul.
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poster:PM80
thread:494515
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/494614.html