Posted by beatrix34 on June 26, 2004, at 21:35:01
In reply to Re: Meth-20 years Clean-addicted again Beatrix34, posted by 2ndXround on June 25, 2004, at 6:32:28
Hi there - I definitely felt like that when starting into recovery. I sometimes still feel like that but for the most part the person that I am now is the person that I really feel that I am. I even dressed differently when I first started in NA. I wore big overalls and big baggy clothes in general to try and hide me. Over the years I have discovered who I am more and more and feel way more comfortable in my own skin. I do sometimes have to meet that scared, insecure person within myself again but I am a little more able to step outside myself and see the woman that I have become through recovery. I too am also good at putting on a show to make everyone believe that I am ok and I know that showing the insecure, more needy side (I hesitate to say weak because I beleive now that everyone feels this way) is a very vulnerable place to be. It's scary. People will embrace thatside as well though and in fact you will gain a certain level of respect from the people that you choose to show this side of yourself to. Then, also, people will be able to start to help support you. I think you are in fact stronger than you give yourself credit in facing this fear and not weak at all. I hope that you are able to let some people in on how you are really feeling. It's important for you to feel that it is ok to be experiencing all of these feelings. It's strange because I can relate to knowing things intellectually yet not feeling them. It will happen that the two sync up...the mind and the heart that is. I have faith that you can do this.
In short, in my recovery I have stopped using, found faith, stopped smoking, gotten married, moved to a new country, started to run, I actually ran a half marathon this morning, and the biggest of all, started to like myself. I have even started (still early days) to learn to embrace that scared, anxious, insecure little girl that still lives inside me. These things are more than I ever thought I would receive in recovery. I just figured that I would let you knowa couple of things that it has given to me, although you have already experienced some of these things during your 20 years clean. You can get that back.
I will be sending you all good thoughts and know that I am here and on your side so no matter what you are not walking into that room on your own. I hope you take the risk. Let me know how it goes and know that I am hear to listen if you need a bit more support before walking into that situation.
(((2ndXround)))
poster:beatrix34
thread:357711
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/360825.html