Posted by 2ndXround on June 23, 2004, at 4:52:37
In reply to Re: Meth-20 years Clean-addicted again, posted by beatrix34 on June 22, 2004, at 22:40:43
Hi
It's long but I need to say it. I hope you don't fall asleep!
No...your answer was exactly what I needed to hear. It made me remember that, like you, my father was an alcoholic who died of alcoholism at 56. My mom is an alcoholic too, who is abusive when drunk.
I too was at his bedside when he died....and the last year of his life we had become closer then we ever had before (no closeness)...he had stopped drinking. I was SOOOO proud of him! I had been clean for over two years of meth addiction/alcohol. He didn't know. He suffered something awful. But it was too late. I have always been angry, thought it unfair, that he had finally stopped, had finally found the strength, had suffered but did not give up....only to die. But I came to respect him and understand why my childhood was not like everyone elses.
But it also changed the way I thought about him. I no longer related to him in the 'socially accepted' relationship of a father/daughter. He became a real person, a needy person, a person with weaknesses, a person who was not invinceable, a person who was not strong and could not protect me. I guess the change was from a child's perspective of a father, to an adult's perspective. But I felt a sense of lose.
I don't want to become just another person to my daughter. I am her mother and I love being her mother. I want to keep up the facade, and in her eyes continue to be the special, perfect, loving, strong mother who will protect her and 'fix' all the wrongs, like when I could kiss a 'booboo' and make it go away. Otherwise, I think I am going lose her, be seen as a failure as a mother....and lose my meaning in life, my place in life.
That probably doesn't make much sense to you. But moms are very special people...and so are their children.
That is who I am and who I have been for 22 years.
My fear of being a failure or seen as a failure as a mom is making me say something in my defense....(:...I was chosen Mother of the Year in my county, I was Girl Scout leader for both my daughters, I volunteered at both schools 20 hours/week as school nurse, taught CPR, drove to all the field trips, organized fund drives, Pres of Gymnastics Club...you name it. My daughter told me I am a wonderful mom, but too wonderful. She said I needed to let some of her 'booboos' go unkissed sometimes so she could learn how to cope with living in the world. She's right.
And through it all I never drank or used.....until 3 years ago.
You are right, I am afraid. I am a failure as a person and a mother. I'm afraid all my past years of being a success will be forgotten, and only what I am in the present will count. I am so afraid admitting my personal failure (being an addict again) will result in the automatic asumption by others that I am a failure as a mother too, that it is my fault my daughter used drugs.....and I am not. But people who are not addicts, do not see us being capable of excelling at anything, of being a good parent...even if I have been clean for 20 years. And all they have to do is look at my daughter and say "Poor thing never had a chance, of course she is an addict, with a mother like that...."
I am sorry for going on....you really touched on something...and helped me understand what might be blocking my progress. Do you think my fears are totally unfounded, or can you see the truth in some of them?
I hope you will post me again....you have helped so much...and I love knowing someone is thinking of me.
I am going to another meeting with her tomorrow....and then I thought I should find one of my own....what do you think?
Thankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}
Janis
poster:2ndXround
thread:357711
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/359304.html