Posted by 2ndXround on June 18, 2004, at 1:25:58
In reply to Re: Meth-20 years Clean-addicted again, posted by beatrix34 on June 17, 2004, at 19:55:30
Hi
Thankyou!
One sentence hit me so hard I started crying...."it's not your fault".
That's how I feel. I feel as if everything is my fault. The destruction of my family.
I carry so much guilt. I feel guilty, that it is my fault, that my daughter started abusing drugs. I feel like an awful mother (awful person) to allow my younger daughter to be exposed to her sister's lifestyle. (she is fine now..but she hated me for allowing it in my house) I feel like I could have saved my marriage if I just listened to my husband and didn't call the police, if I just looked the other way and pretended it was not happening. But I couldn't ignore reality...my daughter was becoming an addict, she had taken after me...god help her. I feel guilty for that too. I couldn't ignore what was happening to my daughters...and me. I know I am killing myself. I wonder if having an 'addictive personality', and acknowledging it, makes it harder to ignore the realities of life. Then again, I know the guilt I feel is not mine alone, yet I can't make myself accept that.
Sorry to ramble....
What I was trying to say about "It's not your fault"....it is the first time I have heard anyone say that to me.
It is such a relief to hear someone say that...because I needed someone to vendicate what I needed to be true......it is not my fault! I am not saying I was not wrong and I certainly admit I should have done things differently. But life does not give you rehearsals before it's live.
I am an addict, an alcoholic and 20 years does not change that. My daughter's an addict...it is not my fault. In fact, (while I was clean) I was the best darn mother a child could ever wish for.
so....I took everyone's advice and went a step farther...I called my daughter and asked if she would bring me to one of her NA meetings....she accepted....we go tomorrow.
God this is hard.
Please write again......
poster:2ndXround
thread:357711
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/357711.html