Posted by Impermanence on May 24, 2004, at 22:47:33
In reply to How it all started, posted by partlycloudy on May 24, 2004, at 8:19:16
Hay Caper, Partlycloudy, I hope things are going well. I haven't drank in about 30 hours now so my binge was short lived thank God. I think I can control my drinking much better these days, It's not going to beat me, too much of my life has been taken from me already.
Caper you wanted to know how my alcoholism started, well first off I'm 25, my drinking never became a promblem untill I was about 18.
I was smoking weed and drinking from the age of twelve, taking acid and speed from 14 but there was never a problem, it was just a social thing, a bit of fun, teenagers experimenting.
When I was 16 I took my first E, this was the start of my life spiraling out of control.Ecstasy changed me like you woulden't believe. The first year was great (or so I thought), a whole new world opened up before me, I became a pure pleasure seeker. All my friends and I cared about was E and weed, in a matter of months I was taking about 20 pills and a few grams of speed and smoking about an ounce of weed or hash a week.
Towards the end of that year the comedowns became terrible, severe depression and anxiety had started to creep in and my only way of coping was to take more and more.
At 17 I was a completely different person. I was a mess. I only hung around with my drug abusing friends and a nasty crowd I diden't like being around. I'd discovered cocaine and herion and was a total "polydrug" abuser. I can't remember alot from 17 to 20 and I don't want to either. I still get a chill when I think of how bad I felt during those dark years, they truly where hell, smack was getting a hold and the uppers where destroying my brains. I was so afrid all the time, I wasen't looking after myself, I was killing myself very quickly. As it got harder and harder to keep taking class a drugs at the rate I was, alcohol began to take their place.At 21 I was getting help with the drugs but I was already an alcoholic and not getting or wanting help with the drink. I had stopped going out and just became a prisoner in my own home drinking and smoking weed 24/7 and leaving the class a to a monthly thing. About two years of denial and lies followed, I was sneeking drink into the house by any means possible, it had taken over my life. I was a nervous reck and coulden't do anything to be honest, I had money in the bank and this made things very easy for me.
After four serious sucide attempts things had to change and I've got my life under control.
Over the last two years I can see major changes in me. I've grown spiritually and mentally, making music again, reading, meditating, looking after my self and just basicly grown up.I think my drink problem is getting under control but like you I go for a few days or weeks and then fall for a few days or a week, things are getting better. Although I don't smoke much anymore I'm giving up weed for good, I've grown out of it and it causes a damn sight more problems than many people seem to think. I occasionally fall back on the pills but I hate them and only take them because I'm drunk. I haven't taken coke in over a year and haven't smoked smack in years.
All in all things are getting much better, I can't cope without my bromazepam but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I care about the world I live in now and I really want to be a part of it again. I'm not going to let evil alcohol stop me from getting an education and doing something productive with my life.
I'm suffering a little withdrawal at the momement and I'm a bit messy so forgive me if I went on.
You're a lovely bunch of people and I've no doubt you can do this. Hope to hear from you soon, I'm off to get some sleep.
lots of love. xxx
poster:Impermanence
thread:348539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040409/msgs/350296.html