Posted by Caper on May 19, 2004, at 10:14:39
I've been drinking for about 16 months and became extremely addicted somewhere between the 6th and 9th month. I first sought inpatient detox in October of last year.
Today I counted up how many times I've detoxed since then (the past 7 months) and it was 9 times in inpatient treatment! A few times I admit I left earlier than I should have, because I missed my little boy- or maybe that was just an excuse to leave because I wanted to get out and drink? I don't know!
I've also tried a few times to stop drinking by myself at home. Those times I went 2 or 3 days without drinking, but then went right back to it.
I feel so pathetic! Before one of my most recent inpatient detoxes, I was so messed up. I literally had to drink my vodka in the bathroom because I'd immediately throw up half of what I swallowed, no matter how hard I tried to keep it down. But I still kept drinking because my physical withdrawals are so bad- shaking, sweating, nausea, vomiting, agitation, hallucinations, feeling like bugs crawling all over me.
As soon as I got out of my last detox I started drinking AGAIN. It's not as bad (yet) as it has been in the past and I am back to wine instead of vodka but I'm still so disgusted with myself and I know it will get worse again unless I stop.
I even got a prescription for valium. I have about 60 5mg tablets I think. I got it thinking I could use it for self-detox, but I haven't been able to give it a real try. I keep on buying the wine and telling myself I'll switch to Valium tomorrow and then taper off the Valium- but I don't DO it.
Am I a worse than average case or is this something most alcoholics go through before sobriety lasts?
Any advice, information or personal stories would be greatly appreciated. I'm not really suicidal I don't think (I couldn't do that to my baby) but to be honest I'd rather be dead than live the rest of a life that is centered on obtaining, hiding and drinking alcohol.
Thanks in advance.
poster:Caper
thread:348539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040409/msgs/348539.html