Posted by Caper on May 21, 2004, at 21:20:51
In reply to Re: Caper, how are you?, posted by Impermanence on May 21, 2004, at 16:20:54
Hi Impermanance,
Thanks for your post- it really helps to know I'm not the only one, though it does make me sad that others are going through this hell too. I wouldn't wish addiction on my worst enemy.
You're right- I am very lucky to have my son but I'm actually a lucky woman, not man. *smile* I guess my name here is a bit ambiguous. I also agree with you that he needs a strong sober parent (especially since he only has one- he has no relationship with his father).
I understand what you mean about detox- it's easy not to drink there. The trick is finding what triggers your drinking (your excuses for drinking is what I think "triggers" really are) and finding other ways to deal with them and _wanting_ to use those other coping skills rather than taking the easy way out- the bottle.
I'm sorry to hear about your relapse today but you are NOT a shithead or a waster. If you are then so am I, and I doubt you'd ever call me those names. I know it's hard but try to be as kind to yourself as you are to others with our shared problem. None of us signed up for this. It's not like we said "cool, let's get addicted, that will be awesome!" If you're like me (and it sounds like you are) it just sort of snuck up on you right? It made things better or fun or whatever and before you knew it you _needed_ it rather than just wanting it. It is just such an incredibly easy way to make things seem better (for a few hours or days). It's almost seductive, the way it makes you think "this time will be different" or "fuck it- I deserve it just this one night" or "it's only wine now, not vodka, I can handle it". I think of alcohol as my own personal devil.
At the moment I'm still drinking too, and I think I will have to continue through the weekend possibly, to keep my family from noticing the withdrawal signs. I'm going to try to stop tonight at midnight and use Valium instead, but if I look/act sick tomorrow I'll have to put off the self detox until Tuesday when I'll be alone and not have to hide my misery.
Please don't think this relapse proves you will never change! Despite the pessimistic tone of my first post in this thread, I do believe alcoholism can be beaten. I've met people who drank for many years and now have 10+ years sobriety and what they all have in common is that none of them quit the first several times they tried. Several had the quit/relapse cycle for years before they finally got sober for a significant time period. Don't give up! This is just one night (or maybe even a few days, as you say) but there is always another chance.
You really do sound so much like me at the moment. I also am not working (I'm 3 classes away from a law degree but had to take medical leave because of the depression that came before the alcohol problem) and I've pushed my friends away because I'm ashamed of what I've become.
I think we both need to try to forgive ourselves for the past and accept that alcohol will always be a problem for us, but we have to just do the best we can and not expect perfection. If we slip, we get up again and try to figure out what made us slip.
I'm really babbling on and on so I'll try to stop now. I hope I've made some sense.
Again, I appreciate your posts and I'll be thinking of you. Take care.
Caper
> "I miss you lots and I don't like it when you're gone but I don't care how long you have to stay in the hospital if it will make you better and not sad anymore".
> That touched me Caper, you're a lucky man you know. You have a little voice that loves you. Someday he will become a big voice and I'm sure he's going to want a strong, sober dad around to guide him in this tough unforgiving world. Someone who can show him the problems you've been a victim of..
> This may sound harsh but all the detox/psychiatric units in the world can't stop someone drinking unless they really want to stop drinking. You must change from within Caper.
>
> I have to confess something tonight, I bought a bottle of Pernod thinking "ahh what the hell, it's minty, it's not like vodka", I'm a shithead Caper, I'm nearly finished the bottle and stuffing mints down my gob to kill the 40% alcohol smell. I've just sadly relapsed again, I feel good for now and want more drink. This is no fucking way to live. My family are going out and I'm on the net having a drink pretending everythings o.k.... I feel like such a fucking waster right now, yet again I've proved to myself I will never change. I can't work at the moment, I can't talk to my friends, I can't go out without at least 12mg of bromazepam or a few drinks on me, I'm a mess, but with all the help and support I've got stupid me goes back to square one for a quick fix, no doubt I'll be drinking for a few days. Once I start I can't stop!!
>
> Please don't end up like me Caper, the longer it goes on the more excuses you give yourself.
> I think I'll have a cry, drink, benzo and a spliff now, I'm not on top form.
>
> Take care brother, all we can do is keep going, what else is there???
> Be strong Caper, If you're drinking right now, cling virtual glasses with me, coz I'm gonna get drunk.
> Take care man.
poster:Caper
thread:348539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040409/msgs/349401.html