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Re: informant

Posted by alexandra_k on June 7, 2019, at 23:41:21

In reply to informant, posted by alexandra_k on June 7, 2019, at 22:23:02

It's just frustrating of all these years of people refusing to acknowledge / credit me while other children are expediated through (quickly quickly quickly before people realise that there really isn't anything special about so many of those kids).

It wasn't about the acknowledgement / credit for me.

Because I always thought the people who mattered could tell the difference.

But over time I saw less and less and less people who mattered.

Who could tell the difference.

I mean to say...

If you took a random bunch of people (with professionals and homeless people and really a vastly different range of people) and you dressed them all the same and gave them the same haircut and so on...

And you have conversations with them...

And you figure who the smartest ones are... You figure who the bullies are... You figure who is morally trustworthy...

All of this stuff.

Without introduction.

I thought people could basically tell that I was okay.


Over time

MOre and more and more people treat me more and more and more badly and seem to think I'm worthless vermin sh*t.

Can't tell.

Can't tell teh difference between the one who homes in on the vulnerable because the vulnerable are easy targets to exploit...

And me.

What are you doing to do?

We were waiting for you to stand up for yourself?

And so on...

Thanks for helpling me out. GIving me little hints, even.

I really don't buy it / believe it.

At all.

People are only out for themselves and mostly think that shoving the people around them back is their way forwards.

There isn't really a sense of helping each other.

Not extended to me...

There was this thing about how 'if you had your own means you would never see us'.

If you choose to treat me that way... Yeah...

People like to treat people like garbage.

Mother has a... Routine. There's a certain speel she's got where she wants me to feel angry. Repulsion. There are a bunch of emotions. When she wants to induce them in others she starts up with her speel.

It's pre-emption.

I guess.


Like pushing someone away because you think they are about to leave, anyway.

Borderline kind of a thing to do.

Autism was a good solution for me. Removal. I can deal with myself. Find myself. Really come to realise that I am not my biggest enemy. I am my best-est friend. I treat myself better than anybody else will. Partly because I'm so very intimate with what I need / want / what is good for me. As it should be.

I wonder what will happen. With people, I mean. If global population will always need to be contolled by war / famine / disease...


To try and increase the proportion of people. To try and build and develop structures and incentivie people to behave in ways we want to see more of...

The whole... I forget what it's called... Margaret Atwood. Handmaid's Tale. It's counter-reality. I mean the horrible horrible future is not one in which fertility is limited and babies are so very very very very precious. The horrible horrible future is one in which people do not have access to birth control and babies are treated worse than rats.

Though I guess it's the other extreme...

It's torture because things move on...

I mean, I know they don't for most people. Some people only ever produce 1 thesis / book. They cling to it. It's their lifes work. Maybe one that was basically written by their sulpervisor. A write up of discussions between them and their supervisor.

But I'm like a river... Things evolve and move on... My head isn't in my thesis. That was last year. I have ideas for new things. But I don't get to do new things because i have to move things different on old things.

So someone else's child can be expediated through Medical School.

quickly quickly...

Then out the other end of it... I wonder how many years it takes before they sign off on your having finished Medical School. Need that in yoru hot little hand before you can get a Match place, I would imagine. The timeline means we are however many years behind...

I get it...

Everything is sorted early. The deals are done early on.

Then you just f*ck about and wait however many years...

I don't know how much study it is possible to do while working however many hours you are supposed to work in the hospitals. There aren't doctors lounges anymore. I don't know that there is anyplace quiet you could put yourself to study... Yes I do... It's called night shift. If you can get it. I bet...

Anyway... Whatever...

Just remember...

Most of it is a facade.

Most of the property owners aren't as rich as I sometimes think they are. The people who earn the most have the highest committements to others in teh outgoings. Reinvestment, I mean. That's why more flows through them. Because they are good with what they have. Which is why they see more. You just have to believe. Becuase... Well... What's teh alternative?

And that is very very very very very very different... From population control.

I guess. I didn't want an equity place to be tagged / targeted for the crappiest positions nobody else wants... To realise.. Properly realise that the reason my applications keep being declined isn't because I'm not good enough... It's because they are corrupt. Because they are not applying the rules to me (she thinks she's special -- we'll show her! she thinks the rules dn't apply to her! - we'll show her by not applying the rules to her!)

I do stand out as differetn. Always have. Nothing I can do about that. It is my virtue / vice.

It makes it hard to apply the rules to me. Because it is hard to figure the precedent / apply the spirit of the rules. That's why the Ombudsman needs to take a look... I don't mean to be difficult.. But I present a difficult case.. And times are tough. So people dismiss me because they don't know how / what to do with me. But year after year after year after... No... It's not okay.




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