Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 26, 2004, at 15:42:35
I couldn't figure out how to re-direct from Writing to here, but sooner or later Dr. Bob would have so I just moved over to here.
I don't know why we're like this. And I know what you mean. I, like you, do not feel depressed. I just feel done. Finished. I'm tying up my loose ends, I'm packing up, I'm selling off, I'm completing old projects, I'm paying off debts, and I'm building up my bank account as much as I can.
This is not a "cry for help". I'm done with help. I've read about 10 to 12 books on bipolar, I've surfed at least 3 times that many websites, I've spent dozens of hours and thousands of dollars between my T and Pdoc, I've taken med after med after med... I've had enough. I'm not making it. I'm tired of feeling like a failure in everything I try to do. So I'm not going to try anymore. I'm just going to carry on from day to day. Eventually something is going to happen.
It's still early yet, this is a new decision for me and I'm riding the hard-core focus that always comes with something "new" that I do. That's why I'm able to get so much done right now. Today I got a lot done in HR. I updated my insurance, my paycheck allotments, and made sure of my coverage. Next week I'm probably going to transfer my paycheck into Catherine's account in its entirety. When she asks why, I'll say it's for divorce purposes.
Once the "new" of this wears off (meaning I don't have this intense focus to keep me driving forward 24/7) and the withdrawals of the meds start to kick in, I'm guessing I'll pretty much be done. I doubt I'll be able to keep my job or function well as a person. I'm already losing my appetite and other than a salad at lunch today (to keep Catherine off my back) I haven't eaten since Monday night. I drink water because I hate feeling dried up, and I can't stand that pasty chemical feeling in my mouth.
Once it gets bad, really bad, that part I haven't figured out yet. Like I said over on Writing, I haven't given this a whole lot of thought, I just do this day to day and think about it as I go along... this is really the most thought I've put into it, this right here right now... once it gets really bad, someone will probably try to get me into the hospital. That's not going to happen. So maybe I do need to eat once in a while. I need to be strong enough to leave when i want to, or when I need to. I'm not going somewhere I don't want to go. I'm not breaking any laws so I can't go to jail, and I don't want anyone's "help". I can refuse help, but I have to be smart about it. Maybe I'll have to quit my job, and not get fired? I don't know. It's a lot to think about. And I don't want to think about anything that is more than a few hours ahead of this moment right now. This post was a lot of speculation. If I'm lucky, I will finally get hit by that logging truck on the way home and none of this will matter anyway.
So anyway, that’s the plan for now. I know it’s not much of a plan. This is the cowardly plan, really. I’m a coward and I admit it. I’m too much of a coward to do what I want to do, what I so desperately yearn for. I can’t. Believe me, I can’t. I’ve sat for hours staring down the barrel. I can’t do it. And that infuriates me. I just can’t do it. I know why I can’t do it. A few people here know why I can’t do it. Go ahead, use it against me. Rub glass in my open wound. Make me feel like an even bigger loser. I can’t live right, I can’t die right… someone just kill me. Do for me what I can’t do for myself.
And the funny thing is… and it’s really ironic… if I pull out of this… all my bills will be paid, all of my debts cleared, my house spotless, my favors paid back, my junk thrown away, my paperwork filed, and I’ll have a nice fat bank account. Ha.
Strange where one can find humor these days.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:382613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040820/msgs/382613.html