Posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 16:55:32
In reply to B2, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 26, 2004, at 15:42:35
I guess we're both a couple of loosers, i wanted to redirect too but couldn't figure out how the d@m* thing works.
-i'm leaving work after i write this and won't get back online till next monday. will you write me then? sorry this is a book but here goes.I'm so confused Scott, so Incredibly fricking confused! my mind is like mush and as of late everything that comes out of my mouth doesn't sound right to me, sometimes (it's weird) but i'll hear the words i've said and it's like i spoke in a foreign language.
Pain= *i've got this stupid see-saw of thoughts going on. i wan't to die, i don't; i need to SI, i don't want to; I want to continue seeing my T, i don't; i want help, i "don't need/deserve it"; i have major issues, they're nothing; i can function at home, no i can't; i can hang on to my job, i'll get fired i know; i'll hang on for my husband, he's so much better off without me; i wan't children, i'll just f*#k them up.
Gees, just saying these things outloud are making me tear up and get pushed further down that hole.Scott, help me. i AM crying for help..i have been crying...SCREAMING all my life and NO ONE LISTENS!!!!!!! NO ONE! what's wrong with me that they can't hear me. WHY? the truth? i cut all the time now, i restrict eating, i use lots of laxatives Everyday and now i've been smoking again...oh and i like to play roulette with my sleeping pills..gee how many more can i take tonight and not die?? i've taken up to 60mg of sonata - my pdoc didn't even want me to take 2pills(20)- (oh did i mention & gin and tonic?) it did give me a headache the next day but i did wake up...maybe i'll try 7 or 8 this weekend. maybe i should just suck it up and take the rest of them i just got a new months supply :) But nope, i won't, wanna know why? cuz i'm a Looser Chicken S$*t that's not worth cold poop.
Why don't they care Scott, why won't anyone help me? why do they judge. Why can't i just be...
...it all hurts So Much.
i feel done but...i don't even know...i can't even finish that sentence cuz it's all out of reach.I too have spent many days at the library and barnes and noble with books on bipolar, Tons of websites, had a well figured bill from the hospital not including pdoc bills. luckily my insurance is great for T bills (copay $30) but that's still 120-150/mo. And i truly need to see him every day i'm so f#@ked up. but i know no one wants to listen to my cr@p that much.
The really funny thing is Scott, it's not my Bipolar causing this. My meds do work well, i'm just so f#@ked up (i'm sorry Dr.BOB that i've been using this word but i don't know a stronger more perfect word to use).
I'm so messed up that this miasma oozes out from inside me it's still inside but now there's some out and it can't go back in. i'm fighting a Fierce War within my own mind, within myself, a terrible war that No one sees or understands.>>I'm not making it. I'm tired of feeling like a failure in everything I try to do. So I'm not going to try anymore. I'm just going to carry on from day to day. Eventually something is going to happen.
I hope it does Scott, i hope it happens for you, but my hope is that you find peace of mind, heart and body. I hope with ALL my heart that you survive, that you do find the strength and fortatude back to beat this beast that's been chewing you.
Please Scott, you do need to eat(pot calling kettle black) but if you restrict at least drink lots of Gaterade (electrolytes).
i think no matter what, you will function well as a person-at least to me. I LOVE who you are Scott in Vermont. I need your voice in my pathetic life, i need you next to me, standing side by side.
As a matter of fact i do not think you are a coward. Who is the one taking saying what they are really feeling? you think that's easy?!! cuz i can't do it, i keep it locked up inside like i always do to suffer alone. I'm used to it. I don't know any other way and everyone is making me change. the defenses i've used all my life are backfiring on my now that i'm seeing T, i don't know how to act? i can't find my way to the door in the light! i'm lost, scared, useless and done.>>I can’t live right, I can’t die right…
New Quote of the week.how ironic life can be.
>>If I'm lucky, I will finally get hit by that logging truck on the way home and none of this will matter anyway.
-NOOO!!! that truck has MY name on it!
Scott. talk to me on monday?
i know you don't want to hear it or believe it, but i see something in you that i like. a strength, a cloaking quality. you have humility and a very good heart. There are no others like you Scott, so i'd really like you to stick around here for a while longer...monday.
**(((Scott)))**
-Love from fellow looser b2c.> Strange where one can find humor these days.
Ok, you said it first about humor.OK, i ending this post on a light side.
i don't mean to make light of your statement above about the logging truck but...you made me heart lighten. (smirk) you said log. i kept your post to me you know.Whaaaaaat.... rolls down stairs
alone or in pairs,
and over your neighbor's dog?
poster:B2chica
thread:382613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040820/msgs/382627.html