Posted by Racer on May 19, 2004, at 10:47:10
In reply to Re: Acceptance » Racer, posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 19:24:09
You know, it's funny -- I love my mother and I love spending time with her and I know she loves me. When I see her now, I can't believe she is the same woman I grew up with. The only way I can see it now is that she feels so guilty about a lot of it. I've tried to tell her that she doesn't have to feel guilty about it anymore -- that now it's up to me to do something about it for myself, and that I just want to enjoy the time I spend with her. And believe me -- I *do* enjoy that time we spend together.
Last night I was very sick -- even said yes when my husband suggested the emergency room, although after a few hours I gave up and told him either I'd live through the night more comfortably at home, or at least die comfortable (some people had been waiting for 10 hours, including one woman who was in and out of conciousness) so we came home. When we got home, I was finally starting to feel semi-coherent, and somehow started talking about some of what went on in my childhood, some of the things my mother used to say to me. She'd talk about my "ham hock arms", or say that I had "legs like a Jewish woman: fat calves and skinny ankles." Not to mention she always told me that she had a flat stomach -- while I have always had a pot belly. Um, wonder why I've got problems? Just the last few weeks I know my body perceptions have gotten much worse. Now I look in the mirror and see balloon-like hips and thighs, when I know that it can't be that bad. {{sigh}} Guess that might be a subject for therapy, in a perfect world, huh?
Anyway, while I agree that it's really too bad we both recognize the feelings, I know that it's possible to improve the situation, so maybe it will improve for you, too. You really struck a nerve for me when you said that the presents were a sign to you that your mother didn't *know* you, and I think that one was really key for me. Of course, our storage unit is full of things that my family has given us for Christmas that are so outside anything we'd ever use as to be laughable. On the one hand, it is the thought that counts. On the other hand, they're also a sign that someone DIDN'T think. {{sigh}} It would be nice to feel heard.
As for you, have you ever heard a singer called Alison Moyet? Her voice is really captivating, just soars right through me and lifts me along with her. Really amazing sort of rock-y blues voice. Guess what? She's fat. Guess what else? She's absolutely stunningly beautiful. The two are not mutually exclusive. Her eyes are about as beautiful as yours are. The sad thing to me is that she is so lovely, and there are hardly any photographs of her available. The one video I've seen of her tries so hard to hide her. That is sad. Doesn't matter her size, she's still lovely and I want a face to go with that transcendant voice. ('Sides, you gotta have space for those pipes -- skinny chicks can't get that vibrato.)
((Dinah))
poster:Racer
thread:348135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040517/msgs/348551.html