Posted by Ilene on May 23, 2004, at 6:31:53
In reply to Ilene and Dinah, posted by Racer on May 22, 2004, at 23:53:03
> Ilene, your post made me laugh a bit. The thing that makes it most comfortable to be my mother's daughter is that EVERYONE has the same kinds of troubles with her that I do! The good news, of course, is that we have acheived a pretty good relationship -- it just took us a while...
>Laugh? Oh well. People laugh at things I say. I think I view the world at about 30 degrees from everyone else.
My BIL and husband couldn't stand my mother. Other people liked her, so I can't say that everyone had the same problems with her, but it was validating to me when my husband, in particular, reacted the same way to her (from feeling insulted to utter rage).
My mother and father fought all the time, but my father's need to be led by someone else prevented him from either seeing my mother's behavior for what it was, or doing anything constructive about it.
I never achieved a good relationship with her. It might be possible if she were still alive, because I think I've been experiencing the same level of anxiety that she had.
> As for the inborn personality thing, though, I'm pretty sure the answer to that is "no" -- when I am well and strong, I am not someone who allows others to walk over me. In fact, this subject has been on my mind recently, and while I can't say for sure anymore what I *am* like, I think I remember being a pretty strong person.
I am currently on the way to being well and strong, If you've read my diary you can see a transition from suicidal depression to taking the initiative and *doing things*. It's like having a personality transplant. I credit Cytomel (thyroid) augmentation of my meds, and maybe regular use of Klonopin.
However, I was depressed and anxious as a child. You can view that as my basic personality, or you can say that I am missing some essential substance (hormone, neurotransmitter, whatever) that "normal" people have. When I get the right meds I am a different person. So what's my real personality?
The problem, of course, is that my current crisis has gone on for so very, very long now that I have a *very* hard time remembering anything except the negative events that resulted in so much psychological erosion and led to this current crisis. Guess what? We're days away from the one year anniversary of me melting down. Guess what else? Can you imagine spending an entire year in a state of such intense distress and emotional arousal? Not to mention having to face, rationally, the fact that there is no way to regain what you've lost? (I worked in an industry with long memories, lots of competition, and not a lot of tolerance for anything that could be considered "weakness." I've known of people who were blackballed for physical illnesses, so mental illness just ain't gonna be forgiven.) Not so surprising I don't feel able to tell you what my 'real' personality is, huh?
>I don't have to imagine it. It happened to me. I feel like I've lost the past 9 years.
> Mothers, mothers, mothers. Isn't it wonderful that we all have them, so that we come equipped with a ready-made bonding issue here?Well...the issue gets more complex for those of us who *are* mothers, and have enough moral sense to want our children's lives to be different.
I.
poster:Ilene
thread:348135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040517/msgs/349832.html