Posted by Racer on May 22, 2004, at 15:37:34
In reply to Re: Mother acceptance - Racer » Ilene, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2004, at 11:28:20
Yeah, Dinah, from what you write, it's just you, all in your head. How could that behavior look anything but perfectly acceptable to anyone?
Honeybunny, I really, really wish that I could say or do anything to help relieve your distress about this. All I can say is this: Every time you find yourself starting to wonder 'what is wrong with me?' I want you to remember the answer:
"Whatever might be wrong with me, the fact that I'm working on fixing it is RIGHT with me."
And let me tell you, you and I must not be sisters. My mother is from another planet entirely, where the sky is pink and everyone lives in trees, but she is nothing to touch what you must have been through as a kid. I am so sorry.
Here is my epiphany for the day, by the way, because I think it's relevant to this, too:
If a child's subjective experience is one of great pain or distress, then it DOESN'T MATTER what the objective reality might have been. That child still experienced pain, which is the only relevant fact.
I was thinking about this in terms of therapy, that it probably wasn't totally my failure, but might have included some less than optimal moves on the other side. Of course, then I argue myself out of it, no, it's all my fault, and I shouldn't quit, and they're all right when they say that it shouldn't matter how much I distrust the staff, I still need to do the work so it doesn't matter at all whom I do it with, etc. Guess what? If the therapy which is supposed to provide a safe place and supporting relationship that allows me to do the work turns into an unsafe place with no available route to safety, maybe then it's not unreasonable to say no to it.
You can't say no to your mother and find a new one, as I can with a therapist, but at least you might be able to shake off some of the feelings that you're responsible for being hurt by her behavior. Being hurt is one thing. That was your experience, and it was real. You were hurt. NOT your responsibility. What is your responsibility, though, is processing that pain and learning to process the future discomfort you'll experience with your mother so that it doesn't create new problems. Make sense?
(Here's another Racer's Mom story, that happened 20 years ago and I'm proud of my response to:
I was at my mother's, being yelled at for being -- well, for being me. She yelled, "Your problem is that you let everyone walk all over you -- FROM THE DAY YOU WERE BORN, YOU LET ME WALK ALL OVER YOU!!!" I turned around and SAID -- not yelled -- "Did you hear what you just said, Mom? You said that you walked all over me from the day I was born. Do you think you may have trained me to be walked over?"
Sometimes reframing works a treat...)
poster:Racer
thread:348135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040517/msgs/349691.html