Posted by Racer on May 22, 2004, at 23:53:03
In reply to Re: OMG!! » Racer, posted by Dinah on May 22, 2004, at 23:08:37
Ilene, your post made me laugh a bit. The thing that makes it most comfortable to be my mother's daughter is that EVERYONE has the same kinds of troubles with her that I do! The good news, of course, is that we have acheived a pretty good relationship -- it just took us a while...
As for the inborn personality thing, though, I'm pretty sure the answer to that is "no" -- when I am well and strong, I am not someone who allows others to walk over me. In fact, this subject has been on my mind recently, and while I can't say for sure anymore what I *am* like, I think I remember being a pretty strong person. The problem, of course, is that my current crisis has gone on for so very, very long now that I have a *very* hard time remembering anything except the negative events that resulted in so much psychological erosion and led to this current crisis. Guess what? We're days away from the one year anniversary of me melting down. Guess what else? Can you imagine spending an entire year in a state of such intense distress and emotional arousal? Not to mention having to face, rationally, the fact that there is no way to regain what you've lost? (I worked in an industry with long memories, lots of competition, and not a lot of tolerance for anything that could be considered "weakness." I've known of people who were blackballed for physical illnesses, so mental illness just ain't gonna be forgiven.) Not so surprising I don't feel able to tell you what my 'real' personality is, huh?
And Dinah, now you're sounding like me again. Sure, my mother and I still know all the steps of the Mother-Daughter dance, and we sometimes still follow them for old times sake, but she has such great qualities that I'm able to brush many of those moments off -- when I'm well, they hurt more in my current state -- and she has made a hell of an effort to understand what I'm going through and be supportive. (To be honest, that means that we don't talk about anything relating to my current condition, and she hasn't attacked me recently. Although she did finally screw up all her courage and mention my weight directly a while back -- an ENORMOUS accomplishment for her.)
Mothers, mothers, mothers. Isn't it wonderful that we all have them, so that we come equipped with a ready-made bonding issue here? And I'm sorry if I sound a bit flippant. I'm just wrung out -- this week has been really overwhelming, especially the physical scare mid-week.
And my AUNT sounds a lot more like Dinah's mother -- great to have as an ally, she'll take on all comers and they *will* be in big trouble, but don't ever expect to survive if she turns it on you. As a child, my mother's answer to everything was some variation of "don't let it show" -- and that's still one of my main coping strategies, for good and ill. The problem is that, once I got really good at it, it didn't always work with my aunt. Sometimes she couldn't see me, and turned it on someone else. Other times, though, she saw me sitting there looking calm and it made me the center of her attacks. Aside from two very famous spankings from my mother as a small child, my aunt was the only adult in my childhood to strike me, and it was very, very frightening. Of course, as an adult, I know that my mother didn't protect me because she was afraid of her sister, too, but at the time -- well, you already know, so I'll just say I'm glad that it was my aunt, rather than my mother.
By the way, send your mother on over to meet Dr EyeCandy. That really sounds like a good idea. She might want to pick out a change of clothes for him on the way, too. ('specially shoes. Never trust a man with dorky shoes. That's a rule. You can look it up.)
poster:Racer
thread:348135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040517/msgs/349802.html