Posted by Ilene on April 22, 2004, at 20:19:05
In reply to Dear diary April 21, posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 22:18:10
Didn't sleep well last night, either. Woke up in the wee hours, got up around 6, ate breakfast, fed the cats, said hello to my son, then went back to sleep until about 9 AM. This is getting to be a bad habit.
Wrote up a "housing wanted" posting for craigslist sf. Interviewed another real estate agent. My husband stepped on a rusty nail. Went to my doctor's office and peed in a cup. I have a bladder infection. I get to take Cipro. Went to the pharmacy and picked up my Cytomel and my son's Straterra. Was tired. Started feeling anxious.
Told my husband he needed to get a tetanus booster, so he actually went to the ER and got one. (The man is a great big baby about needles.) Now he is at the pharmacy, picking up some antibiotics they gave him, and then picking up our son from his strategy gaming club. He wants to take the kid out for a smoothie. I say they should come home so boy can have some "real food" (ham sandwich) and get to bed.
Asked my husband why he was here, since (nearly) all he's been doing is working. (He should just have the cell phone implanted in his head.) We had a reasonable conversation. Had a reasonable conversation about money, too--as in we haven't got any.
Been exploring my anxiety. I have a list of chronic worries--I'm getting old and ugly, I'm unhealthy, my kids are genetically screwed up because of my (and my husband's) mental illnesses, I haven't done anything with my life.... These thoughts self-escalate, of course.
One of the reasons I don't believe any positive self-talk is that I've lived through situations that *did* go from bad to worse. Where someone who was seemingly a little sick got worse and died. Someone had a career ruined because of a false accusation. I got fired because I didn't have the talent to do my job. When my father was dying, his oncologist kept talking about getting him back on his feet.
The only good reason I can think of not to be depressed and anxious is that I don't like the way it feels. I chase myself in circles, either looking for the way out, or digging myself in deeper. Sometimes both at once.
Some people just have a natural resilience. I wish I knew how to get some for myself.
poster:Ilene
thread:325511
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/338956.html