Posted by Ilene on April 18, 2004, at 18:22:25
In reply to Dear diary April 17, posted by Ilene on April 17, 2004, at 20:35:02
Today was lousy.
My husband is here. I feel ambivalent about him. He's needy, and he has a temper. On the other hand, we have so many interests in common, we understand each other, we share a warped sense of humor, and we've been together for over 20 years.
He got in late, and I didn't sleep well, and it's hot--three other factors that contribute to depression.
In the morning my son wanted to come into the bedroom to get something while I was getting dressed, but I told him I didn't have my pants on yet, so he didn't come in. Then my husband walked in with him, saying something like, "So mom doesn't have her pants on, big whoop." That was incredibly upsetting to me. I wasn't just angry, I was anxious and something else I can't quite describe. I knew at the time I was over-reacting, but that knowledge didn't alter my feelings. What *did* alter my feelings was when my husband apologized after I told him how insulted I felt.
This was a re-run of an argument we had months ago, when he walked in while I was getting dressed and we had guests in the house. That time he refused to acknowledge my feelings. I brought it up one of the few times we saw my pdoc together. I have to give the guy credit for learning, but I'm left with the intensity of my reaction and my inability to calm myself.
I forgot to make a bag lunch for my son's field trip, so I had to make it at the last minute, so we were late. I hate it when that happens, and it's been happening a lot.
I had gotten a phone bill for the wireless phone the sunday school--past due--so I gave it to the president, and she asked me if I had cancelled it already. She says I had said I would cancel it (it's in my husband's name) but I *can't remember having the conversation*. I wonder if it's me, the depression, or the drugs.
Then I went on a wild goose chase, looking for a medical supply place my internist told me about. Couldn't find it. Frustrating as a waste of time.
Did shopping. Noticed women wearing sandals, and felt sorry for myself with my support hose. I told myself I didn't know what might be wrong with these women--maybe they'd trade my support hose for something that afflicts them--after all, I can stay on my feet longer now. I can think the thought but I can't feel the feeling. What's the trick of it?
I had sushi with real soy sauce for lunch. Probably less than one tsp. of Kikkoman. I feel okay; no MAOI interaction.
I IM'd my daughter again. Our phone calls have felt stilted to me lately, but we do better when we IM. I'm worried about her, even though I can list to myself all the things she's doing now for herself that she didn't do before. I just want things to be perfect.
I took a nap and had some coffee. I feel a little better now. Funny, it's almost 7:30 pm.
poster:Ilene
thread:325511
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040414/msgs/337497.html