Posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
Today was terrible. I'm feeling suicidal again. I just read my diary entries from the past few weeks, and they just make me more depressed. I feel a little better, I feel a little worse. Nothing really changes. I have no faith that things will get better. I can't think of a reason why they should, other than I want them to.
I have the fuzzy, foggy, sluggish feeling I get when I'm depressed. Just don't want to move. Having a hard time remembering things.
I went to bed late last night, and I woke up early. I got some breakfast, then tried to get some more sleep. I was so-o-o anxious. I can't remember about what, exactly. My kids, I know. I'm so worried about them. I can tell myself I don't *know* what the future holds for them, but I feel that genetically the odds are stacked against them, and the consequences are terrible.
I took some Klonopin when I got up. I think it helped a little.
I want to talk to my husband or my pdoc right now, but I don't think that will help me in the long run. I feel a need to protect my husband from the extent of my depression, and I don't want to be dependent on my pdoc. I'm no better off now than when I first started seeing her, well over two years ago.
Both she and my husband thought I was doing better.
I did some reading in the morning, and then a little housework. I found a bill for back taxes that I lost, and I paid it. I was *supposed* to have paid it by April 10.
More bad news--I found some papers buried on my desk about a legal settlement that I was supposed to have returned by April 19. A few years ago we had unauthorized charges to our credit card, so here was a chance to get a little money back. I feel so stupid and inept.
Okay, Ilene, get a grip. I'm about to sell a house and make get about two hundred thousand dollars. Even after paying the bills and taxes I'll have lots of money--probably enough to put at least one kid through college. So maybe I can decide this is pretty minor.
It's just that I could have avoided it by being more organized. And my husband is so casual about money. I recently developed a system to keep track of oddball bills--I wonder if I can develop a system to keep track of oddball things to do? I feel a little better now. Just a little. I'm discombobulated by having my sleep cycle disturbed, too.
It will be a year ago tomorrow that my father died. There's a lot of guilt bound up there. I feel like a failure in so many ways.
I decided not to cook dinner. I had the forethought to buy some frozen burritos. Half of me feels like a "bad mom" for giving my son frozen burritos, but the other half is grateful not to have to cook dinner.
poster:Ilene
thread:325511
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/340367.html