Posted by LyndaK on November 15, 2001, at 3:11:36
In reply to Well it happened, posted by Gracie2 on November 14, 2001, at 20:13:19
Hi Gracie,
My heart goes out to you (and my stomach has a knot in it for you). What you say hits so close to home for me. The feelings; the fears. I've been married to my husband for 16 years now. It's a long time to be with someone -- almost half my life really; so I definitly identify with those feelings.
A couple of statements in your original post jumped out at me:
You said he didn't want to go to counseling because it was just a bunch of mudslinging.
First, it sounds like a statement made by someone who has little-to-no knowledge/experience of marriage counseling, or had a previous BAD experince. It also "smells" of insecurity on his part about his own behavior and the part it may play in the problems you're having as a couple. (It's soooooo much easier to just blame it all on you -- especially since you're in a vulnerable state right now).Another statement that jumped out at me was something about "you just can't be the person he wants". I can't recall how many times that statement has echoed through my own head over the years -- but I finally figured it out. . . My life is NOT about being the person he (or anyone else) wants. My life is about being the person I AM. I am happiest when I am behaving in a way that SUPPORTS who I am instead of behaving in ways that DISCOUNT or SABOTAGE who I am. (And, by the way, HOW I am when I'm depressed is not WHO I am. I view my depression as a set of symptoms that let me know that there's a problem that needs my attention).
I know I'm saying alot. I just have 2 more things to say:
1. Truthfully? . . . we ARE difficult to live with when we're depressed (or manic or whatever). We get frustrated with ourselves! Why wouldn't our significant others get frustrated as well?! Not that it justifies his response to bale on his commitment, but just understanding that level of frustration . . . it's somewhat understandable, isn't it?
2. As long as we are doing everything we can to help ourselves, we have nothing to feel guilty about.
Keep focusing on your recovery . . . whether he stays, or whether he leaves.
Please keep in touch.
Take Care.
Lynda
> My husband of 18 years walks in and says he doesn't want to be married anymore. He says that he feels more like my babysitter or caretaker instead of a husband.
>
> This is crap. I did have a very bad year last year, was hospitilized twice, but since then - this whole year - I haven't had one "crazy" episode, I've been alright. So where he came up with that "babysitter" business...I guess it was the best he could think of.
>
> You know, he can be such a selfish prick, I'm not even sure I want him to stay around. I know he's mad because I haven't been working regularly, which makes me feel like I'm just a paycheck.
>
> Well, we haven't worked out any of the details yet. I guess I should work two jobs so I can save my money and get away from HIM.
>
> And so, how was your day?
> -Gracie
poster:LyndaK
thread:13594
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011105/msgs/13943.html