Posted by chdurie2 on October 12, 2000, at 21:09:47
In reply to Friends, posted by Cass on October 12, 2000, at 18:40:31
> I have a group birthday celebration coming up with two other friends. Lately, I've been feeling like the outcast of the group because I speak my mind about issues like child abuse. I'm usually not even the one who brings it up, but then when I defend victimzed kids, they say, "grow up!!!" Sometimes I feel that it's a set up. They broach the topic hoping that this one time I'll just conform to thier standards of denial and ignorance, but I never do it, so I never pass their test and would never want to. There are other issues too. Authority is a big one. To me, authority is based on character, ethics, honesty, compassion and fairness. To them it is based on societies preconcieved ideas about authority figures, i.e. they are always right and should not be questioned: You cannot question the majority opinion; they are assumed to be right (I point out the Holocaust, and they roll their eyes), elderly people are always right no matter how cruel and demeaning they are. It is taken for granted that people in high status positions have done a great deal of good, when in fact, I've seen situations where they did lifetimes of damage and injustice. So I'm sure they see me as sort of a bad apple. This is not uncommon since respect for the truth in this society makes you a radical and a reject. Another issue is that I have the courage of my convictions, and they don't. I think this threatens them and makes them feel uncomfortable, so they put me down. I'm dreading this get together. These friendships have lost their value, but it just scares me to be so lonely and alone. You ask how we all became friends? We all met in college. We all shared liberal ideas. However, the crux of the conflict arose when it bacame clear that I actually had strong convictions that I was willing to act upon, and they didn't. To them it was all talk, no action. This is the source of all the conflict, IMO. With the slightest bit of social pressure, they back down from their convictions. I don't. I speak up. Then they say, "How can you think you are right when so many people disagree with you?" They are conformists. I am not. I have to be true to myself by defending victims and pointing out social injustice. If I backed down from these convictions, I'm sure I would have no reason to live. I would have betrayed myself. Can I have some feedback?
Cass: I know how you feel, because it's really hard to find out that you really have less in common than you think with people that you've been close to.
Unfortunately, it seems to me that you have only three choices.
One is to stay with your friends, make peace with the fact that there are areas where you widely disagree, even to the point of amorality, and just don't talk about the areas where you know there are going to be problems. Accept the fact that these are limited friendships and try to find others who share your interests in these areas. You don't mention ways in which you enjoy these people or contribute to each other-I assume there are some. Most people cannot be all things to you.The second, a variation of the above,is to stay friends even if you can't make peace within yourself about this lack of harmony, and just try to let it not irk you so much. The main thing is to stay away from the subjects you know will provoke a negative reaction from them. You're just hurting yourself.
And finally, if this dominates things too much and you can't or don't want to minimize it, you know you have to leave these friends. Being alone for a while isn't such a bad thing.
I've lost all my friends over the last nine years, partly because of my extended illness with chronic fatigue syndrome, and then partly because of my subsequent depression and partly cuz of their changing life circumstances (many have moved away.) I've been alone for a long time, but it's only recently that that has become really difficult.
Your story makes me think of a similar problem with a former close friend who moved 1,000 miles away. As antiques dealers living and working near each other, we became best friends and talked about everything. Then, as I couldn't work at all during my depression and I became less interested in antiques, whereas her career was soaring to even greater heights. So it became harder for me to relish her "shop talk" and victories. And although she has been depressed, she couldn't understand why i became depressed for so long and couldn't push myself out of it. But the clincher is that she cannot relate at all to my interest in becoming a lawyer, and when i talk about legal or social issues, she could not care less. And it upsets me that she cares more about finding coveted antiques fabrics or a one-ups-manship on her former husband than an important health issue or supreme court decision. the latter interests her not at all. the result is i rarely feel close to her anymore; we don't talk much; and our lives
are very separate. the only time i feel comfortable is when we talk about the "good old days," but that gets old (pardon the pun.)I hope this helps.
Caroline
poster:chdurie2
thread:1011
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1014.html