Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 20:00:49
In reply to Re: ((((((((Daisy)))))))))) trigger, posted by Daisym on January 25, 2006, at 5:24:58
Hmmm… You’re in a very difficult place right now.
It sounds to me as if your husband has absolutely no idea what’s at stake for you in any situation.
Part of the issue is that he doesn’t know because you haven’t told him. But at the same time I can understand why you haven’t told him if he is consistently insensitive.
> I think I seriously know what the term "gaslighted" means...tonight he acted like he has been waiting for ME to stop being mad at him. He didn't want to talk about the whole thing -- "we'll just fight again, and I'm over it..." and that was that. I asked him if it had bothered him at all over the past two days and he said he had been too busy at work to think about it.
He might be playing it down (because men aren’t allowed to have emotions…)
> So I spend three days destroyed and trying to figure out what to do next and he's --what?-- confident that everything will just go back to the way it always is?
That’s probably true. Because things have always gone back to how they were before.
> He fell asleep in the chair until almost midnight. I worked in the office. He came in, told me I work too much, told me he'd be in bed naked and that I needed to come "make it up to him." I didn't go in right away and he yelled for me -- asked if I was going to pout and be b*tchy about the whole thing. "Do you really want to start this up again?"
Ewww… I have to say, that isn’t the way healthy couples make things up. If he were genuinely sorry for the situation he should be offering to make things up to you as a peace offering. When I hear those words in my head, it sounds to me like a man talking to a prostitute rather than to a spouse. (That’s because I believe in absolute sexual freedom of choice, and it doesn’t sound to me as if you had any freedom of choice in that situation.)
> No...so I let him hold me and tell me that he missed me the past two days, (what?! I thought you didn't think about it) and that he hates having to get mad at me. He said he knows I love him and that I should know he loves me no matter what else he says. I felt like a trapped child -- but I knew this would happen, having to Choose between more anger or unwanted sex; I chose the sex.
But it seems clear to me that the sex was about anger. And no wonder it’s triggering for you. I know this might sound extreme, but I reckon that if your husband is in the habit of blackmailing you into sex, you are in abusive marriage and a divorce is probably the best thing for you.
> Sorry -- feeling morose and tired but no sleep. This isn't the checking in post I thought I was going to write. I should delete but I think I want someone, somewhere in the Universe to know how awful I feel.
>
> Even prayer escapes me tonight. Has even God given up on me?Well, I’m not as religious as I’d like to be, but I don’t think God gives up on people. If prayer sometimes escapes you, perhaps it’s because your situation is to desperate that prayer seems too formal or too structured. Have you tried screaming at God?
For a while I worked with Christian women who had experienced domestic violence, and many of them said when they talked to ministers/priests they were told stuff like, “Jesus told us to turn the other cheek.” And that’s utter crap. In a one-off argument between equals perhaps it can be good to refrain from retaliating. But that’s not the same as believing your partner is allowed to treat you as a sex slave just because you are married.
If I recall, you have a very cool priest. Can you talk to him? He’s probably not allowed to advise you to get a divorce. But he might say some helpful things.
(((((Daisy)))))
I hope things get better for you soon.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:601987
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/603168.html