Posted by littleone on January 23, 2006, at 20:30:02
In reply to Divorce vs. Suicide (trigger), posted by Daisym on January 23, 2006, at 1:50:59
> Why does ending my life seem like a better choice than divorce?
Perhaps because you need to be assertive and stand up to someone to get a divorce. There would be conflict and anger and hurt to deal with. With suicide you can slink away quietly. You know you're hurting people, but you don't have to face that directly. I'm definately not saying it *is* a better choice, simply that this may be why it feels that way.
> I'm sitting here tonight thinking that I can't do this anymore. Today was just awful, so many hurtful words, a storm that broke open. And he blamed his diabetic reaction on me -- because I stood my ground and got in a fight with him and then *I* didn't recognize what was happening. He said I took advantage of the situation and "picked on him." I was just defending myself. It is too complicated to explain further.It does sound like a terrible day. Just awful. Even without hearing the whole story, I believe you didn't cross any lines. As you say, just defending yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. You're learning to be a little more assertive. You still have a long way to go. But you are trying hard which is good.
People don't like changes. People want predictable. Changes upset the applecart. That doesn't mean they're wrong. Some applecarts need upsetting.
> I need a way out. Divorce doesn't seem like a good option, Catholic and kid and all that. But aren't those the very same reasons I'm not allowed to end my life either?
Divorce may not seem like a good option for the reasons you have named, but that doesn't make it a bad option. It's just a difficult option. But it is an option. And definately higher up the options list than suicide.
If you divorce, your kids may find things hard moving between parents. They may be upset. But they will cope and adjust and in time may even see that you made a good choice and it was for the best.
They will never think that if you kill yourself. It will devastate them and permanently wound them.
And remember that there are more than two options here. I know one would be to stay together in a limited capacity (ie your relationship is limited in some ways) until a certain time. I'm sure there would be other options, but I'm not good at thinking of grays. You need to talk to your T about this.
You have called your T haven't you? If you haven't, I want you to call him right now. Okay?
> Don't tell me to talk to him. I tried today and it got me no where. I tried more than once and was told how I've changed into a terrible person. He told me that he had a "documented, ligitimate" illness and I...well, I was wallowing and seeing a "quack." I'm telling myself it was in the midst of a crisis and things get said. But how many times does he get to use that excuse?Never. Maybe once if you're a softie. His comments are totally uncalled for and deliberately hurtful. He is completely off base and downright *wrong*. You need to believe that part of you that knows deep inside that he is wrong.
> I'm just so done. Sorry for ranting but I think I'm talking more to myself than anyone out there. This isn't where I usually post, so it does seem weird that i'm sort of saying goodbye here.
>
> The question is, good-bye to what? My marriage?Well you're definately not saying goodbye to us. Not allowed at all. It sounds like you're saying goodbye to hope. Can you believe that I'm holding a little bit of hope just for you? I'm sure your T is holding a big chunk of hope as well.
You may be saying goodbye to your marriage, or even your marriage as you know it. Only you know that.
You may be saying goodbye to sitting back and hiding from the problem. It sounds like some sort of action is required (whether that be to leave him, to stand up to him, to work on altering your marriage, to work on making a healthier marriage).
And I bet that is pretty scary for someone who doesn't like anger and confrontation and conflict and being a "bad girl". I know I would find it terrifying.
But babble is here for you. You have your T. Do you have close friends? You aren't alone.
And make sure you call your T.
poster:littleone
thread:601987
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/602212.html