Posted by Susan47 on April 23, 2005, at 20:18:52
In reply to Re: BUT I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE - WAH!!! (nm), posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2005, at 18:20:12
Yeah, exactly. Totally, that is it all right. It's so pathetic isn't it? Not talking about you I'm talking about me, because I'm dead serious, I'm not joking. I'm alone by myself way too much and when I'm depressed it makes everything so much worse, I get more depressed because I feel like a failure, feeling like a failure depresses me more .. it's a terrible pathological wheel and I have trouble getting off of it. But I think I am learning, somehow, some coping mechanisms. I have to find some strength of spirit in the little daily moments that happen along. For example, this incredibly nice thing happened yesterday. I was feeling down, not as badly as I was today, but not super confident either. And something happened with my pdoc that caused a door to close, a door that badly needed to be closed. The one that kept me hoping my ex-T would love me? On an intellectual level that's really very silly. Childish, that's me.
Well, the door ch*nks open a little bit now and then, but it will never be wide open again. Because I have a handle on how to shut it down forever, now, and that feels, somehow, powerful and good. What the p-doc said yesterday was absolutely brilliant, and incredibly simple, I really don't know if he knew what was happening to me afterwards, how what he said changed everything. I might tell him, I see him again in a month.
Well anyway what happened yesterday is I was out someplace and my ex-T's partner, the guy who shares his offices and I think knows what's going on, you know, well he saw me. And he really looked me over but I refused to look back at him, I stood there kind of aggressively waiting for something, hands on my hips, frowning, not realizing my body language. Not aware of it until it was too late, really, and I was already doing it. Then I thought well I can't just change my posture now, now can I, not when he's so covert/overtly looking at me. Probably wondering, as he's a psych, you know, why I'm not looking at him. Because it was obvious I was refusing, you know? And as I thank the salesgirl very nicely, very sweetly, as I turn to leave, I glance at him and he's frowning now, whereas a few moments before looking at me he was smiling, you see. So of course I'm thinking that man does not like me, not one bit .. but then I think well maybe it's just because he's obviously a sensitive person, as I'm sure he really is, and he's mirroring my face. And that would make sense, and it's what I would hope, but in reality I don't deserve any better than to be hated.
In any case I'm feeling worse now and I'm at another store and this man comes up beside me and says just the nicest thing, flirting and being really lovely. And he made my day, and I told him.
So I have to hang onto those little things, the good ones, and when I remember I feel better, I feel like the whole world cannot see how awful I really am. Strangers don't know that I really don't know how to love properly yet. Love is a lot of wonderful things that I never got right.
I wish for both of us that it happens, you sooner than me age-wise. You have a lot on your side, you really do, Alexandra.
poster:Susan47
thread:487630
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/488496.html