Posted by JenStar on November 10, 2004, at 17:38:49
In reply to There is so much you do for them » Dinah, posted by octopusprime on November 10, 2004, at 11:47:33
I agree with octopusprime...there is a limit to how much one person can do for aging parents.
Everyone's limit will be slightly different (some can do more, some less) but just being human & living your own life means that there's a point at which you say NO MORE.
When your health and your own family's life start becoming eroded, consumed and tainted by the well of parental need, it might be time to do less for the parents.
I know it feels wrong and mean and traitorous to pull away from them, but you're bringing up a new generation of life (your son!) and LIVING a new generation of life, and that new life needs your help to get started right. It just can't be spent dry by helping the old generation.
I agree that assisted living might be the right thing. Or more round-the-clock aides, or something like that. Is cost an issue, or the reluctance of your parents, or your own reluctance to do it?
Ignore that b***t*y nurse who looked accusingly at you and implied that you should be doing more for your dad's feet & etc. It's sooooo easy to be all sanctimonious and holier-than-thou when you don't walk in someone's shoes...and that lady certainly didn't plan on living with your parents 24x7, did she?
I don't know what the right answer is. I saw a family friend get old before her time, saw the life sucked out of her, because she would NOT put her mother in a home. She fed her, bathed her, used a plastic glove to help "un-impact" her bowels daily, and other unpleasant tasks. Each task on its own was manageable, but her entire life and was dedicated to her mother's minute-to-minute needs and her own life was completely obviated, as if she were a slave. Her life was a living hell (my opinion!).
She felt that she had no other moral choice, but the rest of her life fell apart. I always looked at that and felt terrible -- you had to admire what she was doing for her mother, in a way, but is such self-abnegation really a virtue? I honestly don't know. Was it better for her to do it? I don't know...
Now for me, my parents are still in good shape/health. I'd like to think that they'll always have a place in my home, should they need it. Lucikly my parents are kind and do not say the things to me that your parents say and do to you.
But don't forget that your life is important, and you should be able to have lots and lots of time for you, your husband & your son...AND for the T, and for vacations, and for work, and for general FUN. And if parental care is eating waaaayyy to far into all of it, it would really be OK to stop. You ARE still a good daughter. And a good person!
JenStar
poster:JenStar
thread:413527
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041106/msgs/414356.html