Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2011, at 9:58:04
In reply to Re: help - feels like an impasse » emmanuel98, posted by lucielu2 on August 8, 2011, at 1:18:31
To tell the truth, I can be as insecure as anyone, and perhaps more insecure than most. On those rare occasions that my very polite son snaps at me or nearly rolls his eyes, as he wouldn't dream of actually rolling his eyes, I immediately think that he feels about me the way I think about my mother, and that I shouldn't inflict my presence on him and if that's the way he feels about me I'll just stay in my room forever and only talk to my dogs, who actually love me. *They* don't mind if I talk too much or look funny. *They* like it if I am interested in them and their activities.
I get over it in a few moments, and try to keep the bigger picture in mind. But mothers are people and can have all the insecure thoughts they have in any other relationship.
It's just that once they're old enough, it's not pragmatic to do anything but assure them of our love, and the welcome they will always have with us, and try to refrain from doing anything that will strain the relationship beyond repair. It's payback, of a sort, for all the years where they were more or less at our power. The shift in the balance of power is something we enjoyed as young adults, and may not enjoy so much now.
I have to admit that my own relationship with my mother is poor. And that I'm not entirely sure how good my relationship with my son will be, when he's grown. I don't know how much power I'll have to keep my son's relationship with me good. But I'm pretty aware of how much my mother inadvertently discourages a good relationship with her, and I'm determined not to make the same mistakes. I'll likely make a whole new batch, but...
But definitely this won't be the defining moment for the rest of your lives. Once she's gets some confidence as an adult, you might be able to work out a mother/adult child relationship that is more comfortable than the mother/child one you had. If you don't feel as responsible for her choices, and she doesn't feel like you are controlling her choices you might be able to work out a new dance between you.
Ugh. I miss a warm sticky little boy hand in mine. And the soft sleepy weight of a little boy in my arms. And the way he used to reach for my pony tail when I picked him up and to hold it for comfort and assurance. I know there will be great joys in my relationship with the man he will be. But I will always miss the young boy he was.
poster:Dinah
thread:992867
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/993168.html