Posted by antigua3 on August 13, 2011, at 13:15:53
In reply to help - feels like an impasse, posted by lucielu2 on August 5, 2011, at 5:10:45
I'm sorry I'm so late to this. I can relate on every level of what you've written. My daughter is leaving in two weeks and is behaving in the same way as yours. In working with my pdoc, he has helped me realize what my daughter may be feeling as well. With her, she doesn't want to see, hear or feel my emotion because she is afraid that will reinforce how she is feeling.
I overheard her talking to an adult at a wedding we went to last week, just the two of us (I'll take my time with her whenever she's willing!) and she told this person that yes, she was looking forward to going away to college, but she wasn't looking forward to leaving home and her family. That is something that she would have a very difficult time saying to me because she is afraid of my emotion. I've tried to keep the conversation in check, but I have told her how much I miss her, how I understand that this will be hard on both of this, but I will always be here for her. She doesn't want to get too far into the discussion--she usually cuts me off, but I had my say. I also told her that it was hurtful (in the kindest way I could) that she was shutting me out. It was a good talk. We didn't cry and she understands better. She was thinking that since I wasn't talking about it (because she thought I didn't care so much), when in fact it was just the opposite.
You have to take the conversations when you can grab them, but sometimes you have to force them so the anxiety (which can turn to anger) doesn't build to a boiling point just as she is leaving.
I really thought having my second leave home would be easier than the first. It isn't. It's still agonizing and maybe worse so because she is my only daughter. My older son was more matter of fact about it and displayed his anxiety more through partying than anything else.
My daughter is going halfway across the country, but to the same school her brother went (which is an interesting thing all by itself). I know we will see her more in the first year than we did him ($$$ reasons) and there will be more frequent contact because that's the way she is. My son's contact was more infrequent, but very concentrated when it occurred and we learned to negotiate a great relationship within that sphere. I am sure my daughter and I will find our way through this.
Also, let me say, that having been through this, my relationship with my son today is a total joy. He has grown so much and actually complains to me that I'm not in touch with him enough!
I am also on a 3-week separation from my pdoc, and I'm actually away from my family for 10 days so separation anxiety is at the very top of my list. But I have the comfort of knowing that after I come back, and after my daughter leaves 3 days later, I will see my pdoc. It's an anchor, holding my anxiety in place, knowing that he will be there.
So, good luck. As others have said, it's a transitional phase and it doesn't have to be "the" defining one, although it may feel like it. Now, with my daughter leaving I feel like we are redefining our family again, and that's ok.
take care,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:992867
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/993645.html