Posted by Daisym on May 12, 2009, at 23:36:42
I haven't posted for awhile. Sometimes it feels like I'm just a broken record, so no one knows what to say in response. But this is a different kind of post for me.
I think therapy might be over for me. I think I always knew it would end painfully - one of those "too good to be true" kinds of things. Or maybe this is a tsunami of negative transference. Whatever it is, it feels like a death of sorts.
A few months ago, a good friend of my therapist's died. He'd been ill for awhile and the only reason I knew about it was because it caused a few breaks in my therapy and he was honest about why he was taking time off. When this happened, I offered my sympathies, etc. and we talked about how hard it was for me to not know how to comfort him. He gracefully accepted my condolences but as a professional,moved everything back to me. There was a painful exchange about his being unwilling to accept my caring and the reality and limits of our relationship. I always think I have really accept those limits until they are so concrete and in your face...
So we moved past this. And then somehow, last week, we ended up in a conversation where it was implied that I could only be close to him and allow a deep connection when we were talking about the "bad" stuff. I think I actually wondered about this out loud first and he really jumped on it. So I heard "you are making it all worse that it was to get my sympathies" or some version of "you need to get over the past and move on and stop using what happened to manipulate me." I even went to that place of "he doesn't believe me." Of course, he never said any of these statements this bluntly. It was awful. We talked about it the next session and I forced myself to tell him what I was thinking and feeling. He asked me how I could think he didn't believe me after all this time. And he said I had completely misread him and that he never said or implied any of what I had heard. And if he'd said anything that made me feel that these were his "secret" truths, he was sorry. His response surprised me because normally he would encourage me to express my anger and then try and understand it while explaining what he thought he'd said and meant. This time he was super quick to tell me I had misunderstood and to apologize and to really work at the repair. But it was so hard to let it go and not really watch myself when talking about the past. And by watching myself, I shut down and couldn't talk much at all. I was gone most of the rest of the week due to work conflicts.
The last session before today was so uncomfortable. I chattered on about this and that and he let me. I was aware that he wasn't engaged and that he wasn't offering any openings to go deeper or into anything meaningful. He was waiting me out. The work was mine to do. And I didn't do it.
Today he opened with "how did yesterday feel?" I told him I wondered if he was going to bring his can opener today because yesterday it didn't seem like he wanted to open anything up. He said he was put in a bind, because how did he tell me that what I was talking about wasn't important? And also, because he wondered if it was always up to him to move us into a deeper space. Mondays are hard for me and I tried to explain that it takes awhile to trust that he is still the same and still wants to hear about my sadness, complaints, etc. etc. after a break, even just a weekend break. He said, "even after 6 years and the fact that I'm almost always there for you, you still can't trust me?" He said he felt like I was testing him and he had to pass the test over and over again. Yesterday he refused to take the test. Ouch. I owned it - said I knew I was skating the surface. I was waiting for an invitation to talk about different stuff. And it never came. I assumed he didn't want to work hard, and then I realized he was waiting for me. And I told him as much as I know he isn't meaning to be critical, it is impossible not to feel pressure to now be perfect - to do therapy "the right way." I also called him on testing me too - after all, if he could see what was happening, why didn't he bring it up yesterday? He was quiet for a minute and then agreed - that is exactly what he'd done. He said he wasn't perfect either.
It was so hard to hear about his frustration - and when you add that with the message that I'm using the past as a means of connection to him -well, how do you get past that? Because now I can only imagine being guarded about the abuse but still trying to go deep. My need to follow the rules and be a good girl is huge - even as much as I love and trust my therapist, I feel sure he will leave if I'm not perfect. And he clearly said that today -- I'm not perfect.
My feelings are hurt. I feel foolish. I feel like I've been busted doing something wrong. I feel angry and sad and scared. But mostly, I feel lost, like I can't go back but don't know how to go forward. One of the worst things is, that if I tell him I feel like therapy is wrecked forever, he'll think I'm just setting up another situation for him to "chase" me. So what do I do? Wait a month and then quit? Go on vacation and don't come back? This is one of those no win situations - because the pathology is mine. And no matter what I say, it is more pathology.
I hate this.
poster:Daisym
thread:895460
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/895460.html