Posted by sunnydays on May 13, 2009, at 10:13:22
In reply to Is this the end of therapy? Long, posted by Daisym on May 12, 2009, at 23:36:42
Oh, Daisy. I wish I could give you a hug. ((((Daisy)))). I think this is not the end of therapy, but I liked your analogy about a tsunami of negative transference. Only, I don't think it's all transference. I have had similar ruptures with my T, where I have felt certain that he had said that he was frustrated with me (I never wrote about them here, I don't think). It felt like the world was ending and therapy would never be the same and I would most certainly just implode from the pain. And for the most part I tried to talk about them with T, but never felt like he got it. We moved on from it and I just saw, through his continued words and actions, that he was trustworthy and clearly still wanted to work with me. I am also very concerned with being perfect in therapy - I understand that need. I need to be the MOST special, the BEST. My T still doesn't quite get that need to not just be 'one of the best', but the BEST.
I think that this is extremely painful for you but that you need to keep working on it with T. He very well might not be at his best due to problems in his personal life, to an extent that he is not aware of because it would be too painful for him to be aware of it (they are people too, however much we want them to be perfect). My T came back to work during a time of grief for him and it was clear to me that it was too soon - he said some things that really hurt me. However, I didn't discuss them out of courtesy for his feelings, only to find out years later that my memory of that time and his memory are completely different - I misread him.
I think you need to keep working with T. Talk to him, call him, talk about how you are feeling about therapy. Don't try to go 'deep' right now. Focus on the relationship and healing that. Talk to him about what his statements seem to mean to you.
I really think it could just be a case where he is not at his best and is making mistakes. Unfortunately they are some of the most painful mistakes there are. We are so sensitive and vigilant, as people with trauma early in our lives, to anything that hints that we are going to get hurt again or rejected. I know this is painful, but your T is not rejecting you. He should be being much more careful with your feelings right now. But please continue to work on it with him. I truly don't believe this is the end for you two.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:895460
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/895520.html