Posted by antigua3 on March 8, 2009, at 10:34:17
In reply to Anger, individuation, and taking risks (long), posted by lucie lu on March 7, 2009, at 4:19:55
A few things jumped out at me in your post. They're just my observations, so feel free to ignore them.
First, this whole anger issue is really important to me. Both of my parents were alcoholiics at different stages, and at the same time for many years, and so I grew up being the "good" girl so nobody would ever get mad. Of course, I had no control over their quick tempers or unreliable behavior, but I did my best not to cause any trouble and to be helpful with the younger children.
So I learned to stuff my anger. I have a very difficult time handling when someone is angry at me and I over react with my own anger at things that don't deserve such a full blown reaction.
I don't like to get angry. It feels very risky. I rarely even get mad at my children, but since I trust my husband enough, it comes out easily w/him.
Maybe your T is like my podc (yikes!) in some ways. So often I want to push through an issue and he seems to push it off. My anger toward him is one of them. The others are big,too, like does he even care at all, where's the support I think I need, etc. He is different in that I assume he has always been against me becoming too dependent in our relationship. Notice the word "assume." It's a big one for me; to assume he's thinking one way, based on my past experiences, only to discover that when we work through an issue, I've been held hostage by the misperceptions of my youth.
But maybe these are such important issues (anger, for ex.) that can't be dealt with until the deeper ones subside. My pdoc hasn't said this explicitly, but by ignoring these issues, I think he mismatches my need to express them with how ready I am to delve into them. Since so much of my anger is directed at him--projected really--and he does try to provide a safe place for me to express that anger, because my anger is all out of whack given my childood.
But he has made it very clear that he can handle my anger, no matter how bad it gets, and I have behaved absolutely horribly at times. I've gone over the top /being angry at him at times, but he is always able to handle it. At times, I think that untl some of the other issues are resolved, we will never deal fully with the anger. Does that make any sense? He says that when I erupt like I do, it's a fine balancing act between what's appropriate for the situation and what I'm projecting. This doesn't really matter yet because it's still the projection that is important and it's what we're dealing with now.
I dont necessarily think anger is difficult for therapists to handle. Maybe Ive just been lucky to have therapists who encourage the anger, despite wanting to temper it with work in other areas. Ive been told repeatedly that they can handle my anger, no matter how bad it is, and if its directed at them (my poor pdoc; he takes the lions share). But each time I get angry, theres an underlying issue that we deal with and often resolve, and then its back to the anger again w/a new situation. This is my pdoc Im speaking of. Its like the anger is a symptom of the underlying pathology for me, and each time the anger is resolved a little more. Does that make sense?
I think my pdoc addresses the anger and tries to go below the surface to find what has triggered the anger. Its healing from the bottom up, instead of top down. He does this to protect me. If my anger is so explosive, he says were going too deep, too fast, and I often end up in a huge meltdown. My pdoc wouldnt ever collude to avoid anger to maintain the relationship. Thats not necessarily good; he just doesnt put the relationship first, although I wish he would at times, for my own protection. (But wait, he doesnt believe that we even have a relationship!)
What bothers me is my fear that I back down from arguing with him for my own protection, much like I did as a child. That I give in, even though I think he really is wrong, because I dont want him angry at me! I never could accept that anger was OK in my family, and while Im learning now that there are times when its necessary and appropriate, I still dont have an adequate internal radar detector when it comes to anger. I tend to think its all bad, but there are many uses for it when its used productively. I still fight my pdoc over this. I think its my main problem with male authority figures. I want to fight and prove them wrong, I want to win. I think Ive learned in just this past week, that it isnt about winning. My father was always right, but he wasnt (if you understand what I mean) and I feel myself growing toward an understanding of this, much like youve described.
Anger is the main issue for me. Ive never been able to deal with it in relation to my father, and were working on that, for me to let it out. No easy task when your earliest childhood experiences were to never express anger against a strict authoritarian.
So, I dont think your T resists your anger, and can handle it. Mine even holds it for me so that it gives me some distance from it so that I can explore it. But in my case, the anger is the symptom of some disturbing underlying pathology about the way I view the world.
But I am glad youve come to some sort of détente, or peace, maybe. But you also may be intellectualizing this so much in order for it to make sense to you. I mean that in the nicest way possibleI certainly may be projecting my own thoughts on you.
So keep talking! It is great to have those moments when we realize we can do some of this on our own.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:884214
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/884393.html