Posted by lucie lu on March 7, 2009, at 4:19:55
In todays session, everything thats happened recently seemed to start coming together. We have been talking about anger, distance, and independence. These themes have been coming out in individual and couples therapy, and with the consultation as well.
I already talked about anger coming out in our couples session with the meltdown. But in fact, suppressed/unexpressed anger was already emerging as an issue with my T. I talked about it a lot in the consultation sessions. About how, given my ACOA history, it was so hard for me to say things that (I thought) would hurt my Ts feelings or make him angry and then (I reasoned) care for me less. I have always had the strong feeling that anger (directed at him) is not easy for my T. I think that, in part, because despite its obvious importance in my therapy, he only rarely brings up the issue that it is hard for me to be angry with him. But then the topic seems to be quickly dropped and never followed up on, much less pushed further. And he does seem to get defensive. I think this is a shortcoming, but Ts are only human. I think having patients/clients getting angry with them is hard for many or most Ts. So, it seemed to me that maybe we were colluding to avoid anger in the relationship. I also imagined that because we had always had a very loving and positive relationship, that maybe there was further collusion to avoid things that would disturb that loving quality. And finally, I imagined that maybe as I was getting better and healing, always coming closer to finishing, he was defensively withdrawing from me because he would be upset at losing me. And finally, I assumed that he was unaware of his own feelings and countertransference. Unlike me, the hyper-vigilant one with near-psychic sensitivity who was so attuned to subtle clues and could read him like a book. Or so I assumed.
My dilemma was that these thoughts prevented me from productively talking over them with my T. Plus, since I was making all sorts of assumptions about his feelings and defenses, and their unconscious nature, I found myself in a position that even if we talked about them, I wouldnt have believed him. So this dilemma was part of what drove me to seek consultation. The consultant therapist (CT, for short) pointed out a number of things. Chief among these was my implicit assumption that he couldnt take care of himself so I had to take care of us both, plus direct the therapy. This caretaking and role reversal was such a large part of my growing up and here I was repeating it in therapy. He has always said that he can take care of himself, and me when I needed it. So why couldnt I believe him? Fears of being disappointed and abandoned? One of the major goals in my therapy is to work through these issues. So I took what the CT and I talked about, consolidated the ideas, and went back into therapy with him.
So weve been working on these things since. And today, I pushed again my feelings of distance, which I said I thought he was oblivious to. He did look surprised but took a few minutes to think about it. Then he said that his feelings of closeness to me hadnt changed at all. But yes, he had noticed a difference between us and was aware that it was upsetting me. But he said he thought that what I was interpreting as distance was really a more positive thing, that I was moving out of a stage marked by extreme dependency and toward a more independent, egalitarian position. He said that in relinquishing this more symbiotic, merged sort of relationship, I would now feel better because the painful yearnings were receding. And that since Id associated that dependency with closeness, I experienced lessened dependency as distance, felt insecure, and didnt know what to replace it with. He said that what makes two people close is not what they say, but their going through shared experiences together. And that thats what we would continue to do. It was a good discussion, one that opens up the therapy space between us and gives me more room to grow into this new, more independent lucie (lol) that I want to be. And that I am slowly, steadily becoming.
I have long noticed that as Im about to make a big step forward in therapy, I have a flash of what almost feels like a vision. It is as if I am a child learning to ride a bike, and I keep falling over, but then there is this one memorable moment when it all works before I fall over again. But having felt it once, I know I can feel it again and can learn to recognize it and practice it. Like when I was first considering rejoining the human race (see, its not a new or small issue for me!) after years of emotional isolation and a history of neglect, I remember the precise moment when I first really experienced the thoughts and feelings, the immense possibilities, of connectedness. So a week or two ago, I suddenly had this vision of myself as an independent, self-assured woman, capable of meeting my own needs, accepting my past but able to put it away, able to say good-bye to therapy and my T, and ready to move on with my life. I dont feel this way now, but I wont forget that feeling. It gives me hope that I will get there and that it will be great.
So thats where we are. Thanks for reading.
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:884214
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/884214.html