Posted by workinprogress on March 4, 2009, at 1:42:29
In reply to But I still leave feeling hurt sometimes, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2009, at 21:29:57
Oh Dinah. That's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you feel hurt, I totally would too in that situation. I do hope that the two of you can talk about it and get to a place where you feel ok about it. You made yourself vulnerable by telling him that you wanted him to be delighted, and he fell short. That doesn't feel good... period.
Your post reminded me of two things... my adopted niece and how PROUD she is (she's 14 months) to bring me a sock and drop it in my hand. And I do feel delighted because she's so proud. I'm delighted for her.
The other is something my T and I have talked a lot about lately (and by the way, I feel like I'm bringing my T socks and other silly little things lately, so I so get it) is just wanting to be noticed. That's what I need from my T in those situations for the most part. It's what I do for the little one when she brings a sock. Not sure if that resonates, but it sounds like you were asking to be noticed... and in a particular way... and he missed.
I'm so sorry. I so get how you're hurting. And, probably, because of your relationship and expectations of the relationship, it likely hurts even more than it would have so many years ago. So... I'll notice all of that for you if that's helpful at all.
(((((((((Dinah))))))))))))))
> Even though I may feel secure in the relationship as a whole.
>
> He was falling asleep again, so I asked if I was speaking with a soothing voice again. He said yes, and when I asked what I could do to make it less soothing, he suggested speaking louder and putting more emotional energy into it. The only problem was that to my mind, I was just chock full of emotional energy. I don't mind the technical hints, but that *hurt*.
>
> Right before I left, I said I'd felt the last two weeks like a kid bringing mommy a painting, or asking her to look while I rode my bike. And I looked to him to find "..." and just hadn't seen it in his eyes. I couldn't quite describe what I meant and rejected "attention", and wasn't quite happy with "pride" or "happiness". I finally decided that the right word was "delight". He agreed that that sounded perfect, so I asked him if he had felt delight.
>
> And he thought about it.
>
> I'm sorry, but if you have to think about it, it isn't delight. He said that maybe he was feeling delight, but not so much delight that I could see it. My lips started quivering, and tears threatened and he totally ignored it as he wrote out the receipt. But afterward he asked if a hug would help.
>
> I told him that I couldn't draw a nicer picture than this. :(
>
> I want to cancel Friday.
poster:workinprogress
thread:883600
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/883654.html