Posted by Annierose on January 7, 2009, at 20:45:02
In reply to Re: New Year, New Rules, posted by DAisym on January 7, 2009, at 1:12:54
Everyone has give me so much to ponder ... really! ... that I wonder why I give this issue so much space in my brain. HELP!
I agree with Dinah that the exercise in imagining what I would want "my" therapy relationship to feel like seems like a valid exercise. As an entrepreneur, I had to visualize in detail my store way before the dream became a reality ... i.e. without the vision I don't think I could have sold my bank and vendors that they could trust in my dream. My therapist believes, I'm guessing, that I need to know what I want to move towards in order for change to take place. Or at least some ideas of what that might feel like, or what she could say or do to help that process. Intellectually I understand. However, it's hard for me to put those vulnerable feelings out there - only to know, as Daisy said, that she can't ultimately fulfill those wishes.
The Tuesday issue is fairly muddy. Daisy hit the nail on the head regarding the real hurt - that I had been communicating the "wish" to change my time slot for over a year (mind you - not in a pushy way - maybe I mentioned it 3 or 4 times throughout the year) and she choose to ignore it. I don't think I communicated to her how much I wanted to change the time other than asking, "Do you have another time available on Tuesdays?" I became much more clear and firm before the New Year's break. Which brings me to Monday. After I clarified that I will not be coming on Tuesdays beginning the following week, she asked me, "How much earlier would you like to come?" At this point, I didn't want to make a change at all, I just didn't want to come. But it felt awkward to say that - plus there is this nagging voice "What happens if you do want your third appointment time back and nothing is available?" So I answered, "Any appointment time earlier is better." So I believe my answer gave her the green light to go ahead and ask smoker client to change with me. UGH.
Daisy - I don't think I'm her favorite client - at all. In fact, lately, I think she dreads my appointments, "Oh no, here comes Annierose; she'll sit there and not say anything." There's barely a connection between us these days.
Interesting to me, no one had any thoughts regarding the move from lying to sitting. I think there is a TON of hurt in the move. When I would lay down, I felt held by her, like she was with me in every movement and spoken word. Over on the couch (a different couch in her office) where I sit, I feel tossed aside and alone and not special.
I agree with everyone's support of me to continue the process. I'm not walking away from her ---- yet. My therapist told me yesterday, "I feel like you have finally taken the blanket off and now we can see your wounds." WHATEVER.
THANKS to each and every person who replied. It meant a great deal to me. And I have read and re-read everyone's post at least 2 or 3 times. Thanks Dinah, Daisy, Lucie Lu, Phillipa and Rskontos!!
poster:Annierose
thread:872528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/872674.html