Posted by Annierose on January 6, 2009, at 18:13:28
Well the New Year has thrown a few changes in my therapy routine. I've been seeing my t for 5 years, pretty much 3x per week over the past four. First change: my therapist suggested that I begin sitting up during my sessions. She would bring it up now and again - I understood that she thought it would be helpful to me even though originally it was her idea that I lay down. She felt I needed more eye contact since I easily misconstrued her sentences/thoughts. So right before the holidays, I sat on the couch. I know it sounds simple since most people on the board sit rather than lie down, but it has been excruciatingly painful. She has been supportive and wants me to give this a go before I give up. I find myself sitting the furthest point away from her facing a bookcase and more often, looking at my thighs. I hate it. I feel disconnected from her. It's as if I've just begun therapy and it's my first week or two. But worse. (Yes, she knows this)
Around the same time - mid December 2008 - I started thinking about cutting back to twice a week (this is before I sat up). I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I really hate my standing appointment on Tuesdays. The time sucks, and I follow a woman who smokes (she doesn't smoke in the office but she leaves a trail of cigarette stench). Over the years, my therapist has asked if I could change a standing appointment here or there - and it prickles sometimes but I have always taken the new time slot. Since January 2008, I have asked if I could have another time slot on Tuesdays. My t will look at her calendar and tell me that she is booked but will let me know if something opens up. I reminded her occasionally to no avail.
Right before the New Year break, I told her that I would no longer come on Tuesdays. I have always hated the time slot and since nothing became available during an entire year, I could no longer wait. She looked again at her calendar and noted that nothing is available and added, "I can't push someone out of their standing appointment." I replied, "No, but you have asked me to move a few times for others in the past." And then we moved on - and I could tell by her body language, she didn't take me seriously.
During the six day break, I tried to figure out what I wanted and why. My income will be cut in half with the economy - so that was a reason to cut back. I still don't know if that is my main concern or not, but it sits there shouting "don't spend any more money". I hate the mid-morning time slot - that's a given. I hate seeing, smelling the previous client - check. I hate that I now sit rather than lie down - check. She told me I could go back but at this point, that doesn't feel comfortable either.
Yesterday, Monday, as time was running out, I realized I needed to clarify if I was going to be there tomorrow or not. Initially (in December) I did tell her "beginning the second week in January ...." but what if I showed up and someone else was there? So I reminded her, "I will be here for my Tuesday appointment tomorrow. Beginning next week, I will not be here." T, "So you're serious?" Me, "yes, I hate my Tuesday appointments." T, "Is sitting up that uncomfortable for you?" Me, "I hate the time of day of my appointment."
Today (Tuesday) I'm sitting in the waiting room - excited. This will be the last time I will have to smell the smoky office or worry about running into smoking client in parking lot or hallway. My t's waiting room is fairly sound proof but I can hear smoking client raise her voice a bit today. I'm thinking to myself, "I am so glad to be done with this." That client leaves and t comes to get me. I sit down, and immediately my therapist tells me that "I've recruited (smoking) client to switch appointment times with you, will that work?" I'm crushed. I tell her I'm conflicted. I really wish she did not do that because I don't want to be there ... especially switching time slots with smoker lady --- it barely helps my time restraints --- an additional 45 minutes of my life back -- whoop-de-do! Inside, I cry. I do not want this appointment and now I feel obligated.
However ... there is a small part of me that was worried ... what will happen when I go down to twice a week. But I wanted to try.
Mostly I'm confused about the entire process. All this drama, all this worry, all these intense emotions ... over what? A couch, a time slot, Later in today's session, I told my t that I think I am done with therapy. I'm never going to be that client that floats into her office and freely pours out her heart. She asked me to imagine what that would feel that ... could I at least imagine how I want our relationship to be?
poster:Annierose
thread:872528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/872528.html