Posted by Nadezda on December 22, 2008, at 11:10:34
In reply to Re: Well I spoke to her » vwoolf, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 9:32:53
I's sorry, vwoolf, that your t's rules, or feelings about gifts--since I think she was also making a "choice", not just following a rule--got in the way of your reexperiencing a childhood loss in a better way with her.
She's still trying to offer you a better experience-- an understanding of her reasons, and her good will, despite those reasons-- but often that just doesn't meet the need. When we're feeling more (so-called) "adult" we can accept and understand the limitations and blind spots of our ts-- but sometimes, we really need a deeper response.
I really feel that pain that you were trying to heal a little by having her accept your gift. And it was a very beautiful gift to give. In not being able to accept it, she did very much let you down. I know how awful that feels, in causing you to reexperience the early emptiness and only strengthening it-- for the moment.
The best that can be said, perhaps, is that you have an opportunity to heal this over time. You and she are doing great work, and this process of growth will lead, over time, to the loss being worked though slowly and more indirectly, but at least as solidly. It would have been much better if she could have met you where you needed her to be-- but in the absence of that, I guess you have to look at her and accept her as imperfect--and come to accept that this doesn't take away all the good things and warmth that she does offer.
That won't exactly address your hurt and confusion-- in the moment. All of our ts even the best tst-- as even Daisy and Dinah's and Witti's --not to mention mine-- have made bad mistakes. But if you can look with hope to the future, perhaps you can trust in her good will--as shown over time-- as well as in the feeling of other ways in which she does meet you, and is the person you need her to be.
Over time, you'll be able to mourn the sadness of your earlier years. You do need to keep talking with her about it. Not to convince her to rethink her "rule", but to allow yourself to mourn a little and, in the process, to draw closer to her again.
She'll want to retrieve this situation, I's sure, and connect with you again in the way that you had done. I'm sure, really, given the work you've done, and the good feelings that went with the cake-- she will. Just give it time.
((vwoolf))
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:869968
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870263.html