Posted by rskontos on October 20, 2008, at 16:31:03
In reply to Re: Just out of sorts, can't understand it » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on October 20, 2008, at 15:57:44
Lucie,
I and probably my T would say we have always fought connection. I have a hard time connecting. As my sister and I always joked, we always have a back door out of any situation. In our home life, that was necessary. And since escape physically wasn't always possible I escaped mentally (dissociating). I lost days sometimes weeks. Fugue states is what they call it. I have had people come up to me, call me by name and not know who the heck they were. Home life we all hide from the outside world and we hid our suffering too. It is what I still do.
It is I just don't know how to connect to my T. Was it Daisym, or was it you that said the first three years of therapy was spent rambling. Well I say I babble. I babble about nothing important. But I have done that for years with people to keep them at bay. I feel that I am doing that in therapy. That I just can't seem to tell him what is wrong because I don't know what it is. Every sat or sun before Monday's therapy the voices start humming. He asked me what are they saying. I told him I don't know but that is not really true. If I listen I do. Like today, I came home was so wiped out and laid down to nap and I could hear them. I just don't tell him. Because that is telling someone outside the secrets inside. You know what I mean. Secrets are not to be shared. I just don't know if I can share secrets with him or anyone. To go deep down into that pit of secrets to see what is there and then tell someone what is there. I don't know if that is possible. I don't know because of dissociating what is there but I do know it is bad. with capital letters. And to let it out, what if I can't contain it. You know. There are so many images that aren't clear that are fuzzy but I know in my heart of hearts what is there and if I keep going on with him I might spill it. I am not sure if I can do that and survive. I think that is what is at the heart of it.
I tried to opt out therapy by telling him I can't afford it anymore. I can't my insurance quit paying the paltry amount they were paying, and he says that is ok, no more money needed until you are working and making your own money. And if you never are then no problem. Yikes, I could not get over him doing that. It took me weeks to understand his reasons and I am still not sure I really understand it. I kept asking him why would you do this. He is doing this because he cares to see how I get better. And what if I can't get better.
I am in quandry of muck. That is how I feel. I feel I am getting too close to stuff I have a hard time sharing and I feel pressured to do so, so then the voices inside buzz like a chain saw, saying no don't do it.
Man, I did not think I would reveal all of this and I need to just hit submit before I rethink it and delete this. You might be sorry you ask.
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:858429
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/858462.html