Posted by lucie lu on September 16, 2008, at 16:27:22
In reply to I cannot tell my T, posted by lucie lu on September 15, 2008, at 23:22:01
I met with my T this morning, took a deep breath, and plunged. I was sparing with details but gave him some idea of the feelings I was struggling with. I think we were both surprised at how such an ordinary discussion yesterday triggered all of this. I hardly looked at him, cried, and couldn't speak very easily. He waited with incredible patience when I couldn't speak and then he'd step in so I wouldn't have to face the silence if I didn't want to. He spoke so softly and gently to me. I felt like he really was not yet on base - sexualty is difficult to talk about, many people feel etc - but gave him credit for digging in there and supporting me without knowing anything yet. He said he will call me tonight, and we may schedule another session this week. I said I just didn't want "it" (he understood exactly what I meant - the wound, the abscess, the open thing with no closure) to stay open and he agreed. I said I really didn't want to come on Friday (one phobia at a time is more than enough). So he gets good marks for being there, ready to listen, ready to catch the ball I was throwing without knowing quite what it was. (In a funny coincidence, he just called to tell me a time freed up for me tomorrow so I can have an extra session.) It was kinda funny typing about him and talking to him at the same time. So, he's given me center stage and he's sitting back in the audience, completely attentive and attuned, interested and ready to try to figure this out with me. He's great.At the same time, I do feel what several of you have mentioned. I am really afraid of his reactions. I don't fear what he would say, he's too good for that, but I'm afraid of the ones inside, the ones he really can't control. Will he feel repulsed, as I do? Will he feel aroused? That's an interesting double-bind: if he is, then I'll feel betrayed because my beloved T is acting just like another man (and believe me, in this context that's not a great thing to be right now); but if he isn't, I'll wonder why not - am I such a sexless lump? Am I too old (and unattractive now) to even warrant that reaction? You can see the possibilities, and all of them point to a pretty skewed vision of myself and my sexuality, his sexuality - sex, period.
In answer to whether I am emotionally attracted to my DH, I am still physically attracted and I respond sexually to closeness. I've heard that's not an uncommon reaction amongst "us" but is uncommon for "normal" people (whoever they may be). But when we have intimacy problems, we tend not to feel safe with each other, which leads to avoidance on one or both of our parts. It is easily self-perpetuating.
I am struck by how similar your posts are, not just in what you think would help but what you identify with in my story. I do find it very interesting that we seem to be afraid our T's will turn into beasts, even though we know they would do no such thing. Or would they, and how would we know?
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful, supportive, and loving posts. I'm not feeling too great right now but you are helping me to feel better.
I'll let you know how things went after tomorrow's session. He will have regained his footing by then, which will be interesting to see. I know he knows that I know that he can pronounce all the words, straight-faced, of course. But somehow I can't imagine him being able to get down into the dirt, if you know what I mean, with me - I have no choice but to be there. It should be interesting.
Thank you all so much.
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:852215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852331.html