Posted by llurpsienoodle on May 14, 2008, at 12:05:44
In reply to Re: something bad happened in therapy today. » llurpsienoodle, posted by Dinah on May 14, 2008, at 9:44:29
Dear T,
I do not deal well with money issues. Many reasons why. I guess the simplest is that most people get awkward when discussing financial woes with someone else. I have a woe. It is that I have been spending too much money on my hobbies and making too little money for the last 2 months. It is an unpleasant feeling to be at the mercy of my husbands income, and not to feel like Im contributing to the household. We are under financial stress right now, and I am not doing my part to alleviate it.
Then there is another layer. I have been binge spending. I feel out of control when I see sparkly things; craft supplies intrigue me with their promise of making a new creation. The problem is that I already have too many projects started, and few finished. I need to work on things that get finished in one sitting, or else I lose my patience. I feel pressured to buy something to fill a void in my existence. Empty hours of the day.
Crime and Punishment. When you brought up the fact that I havent been paying my copays, I felt extremely guilty and ashamed. This also happened when you asked me for a deductible a while back. I felt like running out of the room except that I was wearing heels. Run away and dont look back. My immediate instinct was to hurt myself and cut myself deeply. I couldnt imagine ever looking you in the eye and discussing this issue. I feel I ought to punish myself and quit therapy. Mail you a check and abandon ship. I came home and zonked out with the help of klonopin. Woke up hearing things and so I medicated again. So scared Im losing my mind.
Therapy is not supposed to hurt this bad, is it? Im worried that Ill never bring it up, that it hurts so badly, or that I will wait and build up a fortress of defenses before I casually mention it. But one of my friends pointed out
There is more than one way to jeopardize it [therapy]. Not allowing him to penetrate your defenses probably isn't the best way to get the most out of therapy, although it's a perfectly understandable impulse when you feel hurt. A lot of therapy seems to be trying to overcome our understandable impulses, don't you think? Why don't you tell him how scared you are?1)because Im worried that Im just a big pain in the *ss, and not worth anyones trouble
2)what if talking about it only makes me feel worse? Thats not a good risk to take when Im already feeling fragile
3)vulnerable is bad. Vulnerable makes me weak, and bad things happen to me when Im weak. People are bad to me when Im weak.
4)I dont deserve your help. You are too good for me.The natural conclusion is that I will keep the pain to myself and when/if it becomes unbearable I will medicate the hell out of myself, or cut my arm, or some other juvenile coping mechanism. (shame about my coping mechanisms).
Ask me sometime about how my parents dealt with money. About the shame I had whenever I needed lunch money. About how Id rather steal than ask. About how some kids in my family got all the toys they wanted and I had to beg for lunch money.
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dinah, you're the one I quoted. just wanted to state that for the recordthank you for food for thought. This stuff is so hard.
I feel I'm about to be sick.
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:828931
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080508/msgs/829062.html