Posted by rskontos on December 1, 2007, at 15:42:33
In reply to Re: Sorry, many questions, many good answers » Muffled, posted by littleone on December 1, 2007, at 14:46:49
littleone, I am like you I have no memories of my childhood. My sister will recall things we went through with my parents and I don't remember it. I dissociated so much as a child, teenager and young adult. I would wake up at school or just as I got home and I would lost maybe a whole day at school or get a paper or test back with a grade and I didn't remember taking the test. Luckily my altered state person was smart. My grades never fluctated during this time. I always did very well. My home life was H*ll. My mother was very ill. both mentally and physically. I was raising myself and my two sisters with a father in denial. My father was emotional unavailable. He never spoke to us, never hugged us, nothing a big zip. So we had two parents, but really none. I have no memories of this time yet I functioned. My sister will tell about holidays where things got so bad like one Thanksgiving we had candy bars when my mother throw all the food at my father and put us in the cars and drove us to who knows, her boyfriends I guess. I was 17, the ride was probably very scary and I remember zip. All this bad stuff happened and I remember squat. My sister told me about that I still did not recall it after she told me. She was 7. When I try to remember stuff I get blankness. And my current memory is bad. The t saids that is true when you dissociate. But in high school I could remember books in their entirety and recall them in my mind to pass a test. I remember doing this once and being accused of cheating. From that point on I would miss one on purpose. So when I try to recall information something like that will come back but hardly anything else.
That is why I am fascinated with how everyone else remembers stuff. And why I ask and want to know. My T says I dissociate so bad with so little memory. When things happen now if I don't write them I wont remember. I still dissociate. For now it still keeps me safe. Though it doesn't always work and that is when I have a panic attack.
I looked up the state dependant memories. Interesting. What type of T is yours. I am going to ask mine about this too. Your question of how to reduce the separation and increase the connection is to begin on integration I believe. Which I think according to my T I am not sure they all agree with this, doesn't mean you have to remember everything. to let the memories come if they come. I have tried to force them and it wasn't pretty. I got physically ill trying. Like it fought back. I am having some weird things happen as I go down this road. Fainting spells, flashing things like a computer images flashing really fast, I don't understand any of it but the fainting spells my T says is part of dissocative disorder---the flashing things is brand new. I hope I am not scaring you. I think everyone is different because each brain handles things differently. But we do share the blankness, lack of memories. And the lack of feeling. I agree I don't think I could learn to remember or feel anymore. That time was when I was baby and my parents too that away. I am though going to try to find out who I am. And like it maybe. Take care, I enjoyed your post.
Sorry I am writing so hapzardly and zippy. My brain is working that way today.....I am usually not like this. At least I hope I am not.
rk
poster:rskontos
thread:797701
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071120/msgs/798135.html