Posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
last night i very nearly ended my life. i sat for a very very long time with my meds and stared at them. i came so close to over-dosing. i took more than my dosage to be sure i would sleep and as i began to fade i could not come up with any good reasons to have hope. Had i not just gone to sleep when i did, by deliberate choice and force, i would not be here typing this.
there is only so much one person can take.. and for so long.
i saw my T again today (saw him yesterday) and told him basically what i just said here. We talked about what i could do to keep from getting to that point. We talked about a lot of things surrounding safety. He understood why i feel so hopeless... because in my situation there just isn't a lot of positive happening... my future is bleak in many ways and i am trapped in an emotionally bleak place.
he is going away for three weeks next week, so i have just one more appt before he does. i have not been able to tell him that it might be the last time i see him because of money issues. i just can't. Please don't suggest that. i am working hard to find a way to keep seeing him even if i have to reduce the frequency. i need this guy.
it's scary how fast things change... i had a very productive session with T yesterday, some important positive things happened. But at home very negative things unfolded and everything went to hell in a handbasket fast. i had been struggling for days with intense pain... late last night i fell hard.
i don't know how to stop this.. it happened so fast. No time to recognize warning signs.. no time to call friends or find someone to stay with me. i wouldn't go to the hospital anyway.. but even if i was willing, it hit too fast for that. i was beyond wanting any help or accepting it.
it went from feeling suicidal to very nearly acting on it... very quickly.
tonight i am keeping myself semi-coherent.. clonazepam...
poster:gazo
thread:756897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756897.html