Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 1:01:57
In reply to i got nothing... read below :..( (nm) » muffled, posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 0:37:21
H just called... i can't post the details on the board. Not safe.
i am so stupid. stupid stupid stupid.
it's coming again and i can't stop it. Tornado disaster heading my way and all i can do is watch. i am so f*cking stupid and weak and useless i can't get out of the way. i stand there looking at the tornado building and just wait for it to hit me.
i'm pathetic.
T can't help me. No one can help me. i am lost. i am trapped. My world is about to descend into hell again and no one can help me. i cannot explain the living nightmare i have been through... it has been a painful limbo lately but the train back to hell is leaving the station.
i cannot survive another round of that. i cannot survive the fear and the pain. i cannot survive the days of sobbing, the humiliation and sickening feeling in my heart and stomach every day.
no f*cking phone message is going to save me from this. there is no message that could be made that would blunt the reality that i live through. It all sounded good when things were looking brighter... i forget how hard that pain hits. i forget how meaningless the rest of the world becomes.
i'm standing on the edge of a lonely cliff, nothing but wind and fog around me. Am i supposed to believe that a voicemail, faint and thin in that howling wind is supposed to lure my eyes from the rocks below?
i scream into that wind and i am not heard. Crashing waves call my name. The wind doesn't push me, it doesn't pull me... it wraps around me and lifts me...almost. It's fierce but caressing.. it holds me when there is no human who would ever want to touch me. That cold wind becomes my friend and lover.
who or what could reach me there? Before i reach that edge and hold my breath and stare down?
once i am at that place there is no one who can call to me... the wind will just drown them out.
*******************
i need to sleep now... sleep sleep and more sleep.
poster:gazo
thread:756897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/757690.html