Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 10:49:42
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers***, posted by Wittgenstein on May 9, 2007, at 7:36:58
thank you... i know people care, in the limited way we can through this medium... but there isn't anyone who would notice i was gone IRL.. not for a while. i think about how long it would be before someone even found me. i don't think it would occur to anyone to look for me, or notice i had not been around. My only real friend has left the city and my friends elsewhere are..well, elsewhere.
there wouldn't be a hole in someone's life where i used to be. Every day would go on for them the same.
but that isn't what drives me to feel so bad.. it just reaffirms it. i have a very bleak future ahead of me for many reasons. My options are limited in building a life. i don't have a lot of things i can hope for. i had to walk ten minutes to the store and i could barely do it.
i have nothing, i have no one and i am nothing.
i appreciate your words, i do. It always matters because even limited caring is caring of some kind.. it's another little piece of thread i can tie to the end of the one i am hanging from.
calling pdoc today.. i don't think there is much he can do beyond the changes we have made.. it just takes time for those to work. He also said he believes that nothing is going to help until my stressors resolve somehow. He is worried about my safety too.
i told my T about posting online, not about babble specifically though. i told him it was a resource because people understand and i can just write.
what i would dearly love is company.. someone who would drop by and bring me a treat.. a flower or a cupcake.. anything really. Someone who didn't mind if i can't smile or have much to say. Someone who would be ok with just saying nothing or telling me about their day. a friend. i need a friend and in my state i am not capable of making new ones or even figuring out how to. i am a strange fish.. i don't fit in with people my own age at all.
i'm just going to take another clonazepam and sleep though the day. i can't handle any of this.
much love and peace
poster:gazo
thread:756897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/757081.html