Posted by gazo on April 2, 2007, at 8:49:01
i hate this part. Counting days until my appt. i wish i could afford weekly. Of course it could be a good sign that i am counting days right? could it mean i am bonding with him?
i am watching him and waiting. i am observing. i am waiting for him to make a move in one direction or the other... either to get pissed at me and want me to go away, or for him to see the real me, if only for a second.
i'm not actively trying to prevent him from seeing the real me, not consciously anyway. i can't control that part of me, don't know how to connect with it myself.
There are certain rxns i need to see if i am ever going to trust him. It's hard to explain. i know kind of what they are, but i can't tell him or it would be meaningless. It's like, if you told a boyfriend you needed him to surprise you with flowers...it just wouldn't have the same meaning. It's just like that. He has to come up with the rxns on his own or they won't be genuine. He has to be able to tell that i need certain things or it won't have any meaning at all.
i'm not sure what to do. i so badly want him to get it right, but i can't tell him that. i *want* to be able to learn to trust him. That is important because it took a couple of years for me to even consider trusting my pdoc... and i still don't tell him everything. Just recently he asked me something about my past and i simply refused to talk about it. He was kind of shocked because i think he had thought i wouldn't hold back with him. It's weird, but he and i have an odd relationship. We work well together, and i adore him. But we are too much alike personality-wise for me to be able to be really vulnerable or open about some things.
i'm excited because the guy seems very nice and very sharp. He made me laugh and he was able to catch me slightly off guard. That is quite cool in just 2 sessions. It makes me hopeful. But i am terrified too. i am afraid of getting my hopes up again. i am afraid it will be a repeat of all the other times i have tried to connect to people. i am afraid he will hate me iif he met the real me.
poster:gazo
thread:746201
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/746201.html