Posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 21:40:49
I just getting over flue, my IRL kids too. Still tired. Missed T walk :-( , T said resched a reg appt for Thurs? but I still too sick :(
And I been thinking bout her going away, and making like I am all good now and mebbe we can terminate at this time. I writing glowing positive crap in my journal. I have solved all probs. I don't even notice my 'people'. All is good and well. Don't even miss not having T this week. I am so good. And then....I thinking bout how I like to listen to T message so much. It is my little kid. To her it is like a blankie thqat makes her feel OK for a bit.
But kid does not have much concept of T as a a person cuz she mostly hides.
And I supposed to soothe this kid. But HOW??????How do I soothe this kid? I can scarecly stand to feel her for more than a millisecond when she gets weird feelings. And then my T will go away, and there will not be 'fresh' messages. For some unknown reason freshness counts.....not so much content, but tone of voice. Subtle little nuances that she seems to hear (?) that calm her. My T personallt does not calm her cuz she just gets scared of her IRL.
SO HOW??? can I calm the kid when T is away????
I am fine.
Kid is NOT.
I was thinking we all doing OK (other than bad wanting to self I,)I thot all was great.
Then I writing stuff and its TOO clear...I DO got people, I DON'T want people. I want this to stop. I am supposed to be a mature responsible useful mom and memebr of society. A good example of a christian. And I try to make it all OK, but then its NOT, it all f*cking falls apart on me.
I want to make it better.
God I am SO tired of this.
Why can't I make it OK?
Sorry to be so dumb.
Dunno what to do.
I feel sadness.
But I not allowed to cry. Waterineye is bad. Esp waterineye for oneself.
Mebbe I just still got flu. I all mixed up.
Does ANYBODY understand me? Cuz I don't :(
I am my own worst enemy.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:728879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/728879.html