Posted by ElaineM on January 12, 2007, at 21:56:46
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH » ElaineM, posted by muffled on January 11, 2007, at 18:49:36
>>>>>Does it help at all to be able to write it out to cyberspace?
It helps a little - I don't really talk to anyone else in real life. But I think it's beyond that now. I need a different kind of "not alone".
>>>>I just wonder if you had any sense of why you continue? Whats the real reason you just can't walk away?
Cause I always destroy people. I did it with my first T - made her hate me. My parents. Scott (old boyf). And I warned T now that I suck the life (or at least the Happy) out of people. Now it seems like it's being proven true. Even if I never officially complained about him, leaving would crush him. And I know that sounds so conceited or something, but for some crazy, sick reason I mean something to him, and he gets so visably upset when I seem to distance myself from him. If I actually left he'd be really broken. He's also said before that if we weren't getting together in the professional setting that he'd still want to hang out with me -- that he'd want to date me if I wasn't his patient. I'd never say no - I know it. I couldn't. But I also know I'd probably not be able to tolerate myself then. I never could say no to my parents either. I feel kinder and safer continuing to see him in his office as a "patient".
Plus, the other thing is that I'm just plain old afraid to be alone. Anything is better than alone. I don't have the strength to put up with the other stuff in my life (my health in particular) without someone sharing it with me [even if it's in a twisted, unethical way].
>>>>>>Is there any way to find out if he is going. Could you make a contract and put the pressure on your T that you absolutely WILL NOT come if he is not seeing a T?
I did ask and he said he's still going for now. I've told him that he can't expect me to come, if he thinks going to his own ("when there's nothing to say") is pointless. I don't know how I'd be able to tell though if he was lying. I guess his recaps of his sessions would sound made up or something.
>>>>>**WOW! Thats great! And a long session. She must really actaully care?! And then she e-mailed you too????!!! And you go again in Feb???!!! Thats good.
Are you able to really tell her whats going on?
And did the session go well?She knows EVERYTHING that's been going on with me. The only thing she doesn't know is that "the T" I have the questionable relationship with is the same T that she sent me to. I made up a story about switching (which I had intended to do about a year ago cause I wasn't comfortable or connecting with a male T. So my story seems legit to her). She kept telling me to tell "T now" - that I could trust him - that he's "where the money's at". She was very concerned about stuff in my life. She said I need more support than I have now. She's helping me deal with something going on with me too -- mostly just listening. But when I was leaving she said that if I ever chose to, she'd help me report "this guy". It was hard cause (unknowingly) she was condeming and promoting the same man. I just couldn't tell her - cause once I say his name she's legally obligated to start the reporting process even without my consent.
Muff, I appreciate you so much. You're so genuine and caring, and I can feel it through your posts. I wish I could leave him so I could tell you all. I've been taking care of myself better since Dec. I've been getting some scary tests done, waiting for them by myself, going by myself to strange people. I'm trying, but I don't think I have it in me right now to leave him. I'm sorry that makes you all worry. I worry for myself too. But I'm more worried about what I'd be like all alone.
Thanks for all your long replies. I'm glad you talk to me.blove EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721858.html