Posted by muffled on January 11, 2007, at 18:49:36
In reply to Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH, posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 15:59:49
> This is my update (not that it matters). Cause some have asked, and the least I can do is reply, cause I appreciate every bmail I get.
**Thank you and we appreciate your input too.
>
> Over the Break T was getting really wild with his reactions again, and everything else in my life was making that harder to deal with.**and on it goes..... Does it help at all to be able to write it out to cyberspace? If so, I don't mind to read and come alongside and feel for you.
I'm sorry bout whatever other things that are going on for you as well. I know some part of you realizes and knows the wrongs of your T situation. I just wonder if you had any sense of why you continue? Whats the real reason you just can't walk away?>Which made/makes me feel like I'm a disgusting whore -- I barely walk without looking like an ugly, limping mess! I don't know when he thinks I'd be going out. But he's always assumed stuff like that - forgetting that I spent highschool hiding in my room, and my early twenties learning to feed myself. I would think of it nicely. I don't deserve anyone.
**Now these are lies. I know there is some small part of you that does know this. But they are.
Not the parts bout hiding, limping of course, but the parts where you beat yourself down. They are simply not true. I work in a city drop in center, and there's lots of what some might call 'iffy' people there, addicts, sex trade workers, street people, pushers, etc etc.Do you know I would not say to ANY of thoase people the things you say to yourself El. You wouldn't either. Try not to say them to yourself.
I used to think I was a leper. That my inside badness would somehow infect others.:(
We have worked hard on that one in therapy, and logically I know I am not a leper, but deep inside there is STILL a part of me that thinks I am :( But at least now more of me beleives I'm not, insteada the other way round.
> But he said that if i went out newyears that it would prove that I'm purposely trying to sabotage our relationship, and not go any further with therapy. He said if i was gonna get drunk he wanted it to be with him. I tried to explain that it's a hard night for me. [It had been the night I'd picked to kill myself a few years ago.] He said he really [which he wrote alot, and in block] wanted to be with me.**Sigh....I am SO sorry El, but your T seems somewhat delusional. I am SO glad New Years is over. I hate New Years, so many expectations....
I am SO happy you are here with us now.> I don't want that kind of love.
**Thats right El. You want love, thats just love, not pressure.
> He's also said that he's probably gonna stop going to his T, and I'm really worried about that. He hasn't mentioned it again.
**Is there any way to find out if he is going. Could you make a contract and put the pressure on your T that you absolutely WILL NOT come if he is not seeing a T?
>Part of me just wants to get it all over with.
**It won't stop if you do it with , it'll just get worse, PLEASE beleive me on this one thing for sure. I am ABSOLUTELY sure of this. And I don't sat that often.
>I'm such an embarassing mess.
**I see you as a person who is mixed up and hurting, and I wish i could help more. I see you as a person who needs safe caring. I see you as a person who was very poorly treated by many people, but who doesn't give up. I see you as a person who cares for others. I see you as a person who DOES deserve a break, and some help, and some caring.
>
> I also met with LadyT in person for an hour and a bit, before Christmas. But that was about something else that I've been having a hard time living with. I miss her so much. She emailed me once after New Years, and it meant alot. I get to go check-in in person again mid Feb.**WOW! Thats great! And a long session. She must really actaully care?! And then she e-mailed you too????!!! And you go again in Feb???!!! Thats good.
Are you able to really tell her whats going on?
And did the session go well?>He's so weak and fragile. I feel like a vat of poison corroding him with my stubborness and coldness.
**Not a vat of poison. Its a smart part of you holding back and protecting yourself.
> ...Just another variation of the same sh*t I always write about. Sorry if I don't update much. It just doesn't seem like there's a point. And it's hard. I don't feel like doing anything at all these days. But it's nothing personal towards this site or the people - I'm afraid of nearly everyone these days. It's all me. Plus I think everyone reading here thinks I'm disgusting and stupid because I'm weak, a crybaby and a b*tch. I do tend to make people hate me -- I'm not very good with people or social things. So I'd understand, but it does tend to make me afraid to post, and even read, sometimes. Sorry if my subjects are pathetic or offensive. And sorry for when I'm in hiding or lazy.
**Oh El. I appreciate your updates so much.
Everything is not all you.
You have alot of messages in your head about yourself that are so wrong.
You are stuck.
But you can get out. Its in you to do that. It may not seem possible. But you do have people on your side. You are obvo likeable(eg that guy in hosp being nice to you etc).
I don't know of the other things going on for you, and I surely don't want to preach at you, or seem unsupportive, or repeat that which you have already heard.......but given what little I know of your life situation....if I could wish for one thing for you to do.....I would ask you to leave that T of yours. Just leave. I know this would be so hard. I think you would need support to do this.(IE your lady T in on it, and/or another counsellor in place) but ONE thing- please could you leave your T?
Thinking of you.
Really, really hoping you can break free.
It would be so worth it. So hard, but worth it.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721449.html