Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 12, 2007, at 12:35:17
In reply to To ALL-just a thot, how best, posted by muffled on January 11, 2007, at 22:14:29
Hey Muffled,
I share your concern about how to help Elaine in the short run and the long run.I have also been in touch with her since she first joined us here. I am grateful that she posts about things that are really difficult, really raw. I'm impressed that she trusts us folks with her story. Often I feel that the more I reveal of myself personally, the more vulnerable I am. Many times Elaine has been incredibly brave- to show psycho-babble, and crisis counselor, and other helpful folks her psychological weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
Elaine, you may not realize it, but since you've been posting here, you have not been a burden. You have not made us hate you. If anything I feel more warm thoughts about you the more I know. I know that it's hard to appreciate compliments when you are feeling really down on yourself, but you have a lot of strength (both in terms of your willpower, your heart, and your body). You have been through a LOT, and you don't give yourself enough credit for stuff. I mean, you live on your own, despite a lot of physical and psychological hardship. You have allowed your body to be nourished and you are trying to take the best care of yourself that you know how.
So, I'm not sure that bashing your T is what you need to hear right now. Some weeks ago you sounded like you had more strength, like you felt more independent and sure of yourself. Maybe I'm just putting my own gloss on things, but I feel that during periods when you are not so much in contact with him you actually do better. You seem more reasonable about what kind of person you are, and about what kind of care you need to learn how to build the skills to make a long-term relationship with a man work out.
If one of your goals for yourself is to be in a relationship where you are loved for who you are, then you will need to move on to a new T. You know this already, though. So, I don't want to beat a dead horse.
The day to day goal of having something to get you out of your home and a reason to interact with another human being is very natural and very human. Is this one of the reasons why you are still going to see your "t"? And why you will continue to read e-mails and other things? You often sound very isolated and I'm sorry that this hurts so badly. I wish you could get out and be merry. I find it aggravating that your "t" does not seem to understand that people who are alone all day often feel depressed, and feel like bad people.
I do not think you are a bad person for putting this immediate goal (of planned social interaction with "t") ahead of your long-term goals. I cannot judge you for making the choices that you have made. You are the only one who knows what the best decision is for you. You are very intelligent, so I know it's not because you haven't considered this stuff before. You are very kind and seem to have a lot of love to give. As other posters have said, you seem to be pretty thoughtful and reasonable "sane", in terms of what is happening.
I hope that by writing out these updates (which I very much appreciate, btw) you get a sense of what parts of you are contradicting other parts of you. Which parts of you are essentially healthy and well, and which weeds can you pull from your garden.
Does it help you when we point out some of the contradictory things you write about? Or does it just make you feel bad?
Well, no matter what, sometimes the most important support is knowing that you have witnesses. When you start to question your own sense of reality, your own memory of things-- you have an archive in your witnesses who can gently lead you back on course. If you've got the stomach to read your old posts (I can't read mine. too icky.) then you may even be able to see some patterns there too.
Sorry so long. I hope you don't mind. I hope I didn't say the wrong things to you Elaine.
Thanks muffled, for being you. And for caring :)
b-love to both of you
-Ll
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721669.html