Posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 22:19:29
In reply to books, boundaries, accents » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 18:24:17
Hey Elaine,
I'm sorry that your T never "got" it. It's so hard when they give us kind of mixed signals. I think that this might be one of the reasons why things got pretty tense with my oldT-- because I knew that I had been shying away from a couple of big ugly topics (transference, thoughts of self-harm, terror). Part of it was because I was worried that I didn't have "the answer" yet. I wanted to have things all worked out in my head before I gave them air-time in my session. And as a consequence, I kind of avoided things that I wasn't comfortable working out in my head all by myself.But lately, well, having someone to bounce these difficult topics around with- well, it kind of deflates them a little bit. Yes, they *are* big and scary. Yes, it does scare me to read passages in a book (any book!) and realize that this character I was identifying with is actually a LOT like my little homonculous. The "feeling" part of Li. And that always frightened the crap out of me.
You know what I was doing today between 5 and 6 pm? I was at the bookstore, searching for a book my newT recommended that I read if I felt up to it. It cost 68 bucks, though, so there was no WAY I was going to buy it! (maybe used?) but anyways, I digress. She said that when I do get into one of these more introverted self-exploratory modes, taht it's important to do so somewhere where I feel safe (like at a cafe, or a bookstore). My sense of social decorum would never permit me to have a full-out meltdown crisis fest in the middle of a public place in the neighborhood where people might perchance recognize me!!
That's so funny that you mentioned that!
I shelved the book, though, because I want to know where to find it next time I want to read another chapter. Kind of disheartened about the psychopharmacological treatment of people who are going through stuff like me (let's avoid labels and acronyms and all that, okay?). The studies are poorly designed, and run using only one drug at a time. mostly SSRI's and maybe a benzo or an antipsychotic or something. Short drug trials, small numbers of subjects. you know. that stuff. the stuff I want help with the most is stuff that a diagnostic interview fails to ask "when is the last time that you didn't feel like you knew who you were, or why you did the things you did?" "what do you think about when you wake up at 4am and your heart is pounding?" "have you ever wanted to go back to your infancy and give your parents an hour of individual and couples therapy geared towards parenting practices and healthy communication once a week?
ugh.
yeah. me too.
hey, my T with her nice voice is asking me to tell you to just dial the little numbers for that woman (the one with your grandma's voice). She says it will be okay.
You did REALLY WELL today Elaine. I think I have to go to the damn student clinic tomorrow regarding my grumpy bronchii. They are phlegmy for the 7th day in a row now. ugh. They're probably going to ask to listen to my lungs and take my bp, and give me some allergy pills or a new inhaler or something. That's it. Been there, done that. Nothing SCARY. well, I've been putting it off for 3 days now. If you can make EIGHT phone calls today, well, I guess... I'll consider... maybe calling the freaking clinic... maybe... (*grin*)
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691658.html