Posted by ElaineM on October 6, 2006, at 17:31:13
In reply to Re: way back last Friday » caraher, posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 22:00:05
Last night I had a breakdown and started crying for hours. Crazy panicked tears. I haven't felt that bad (mentally) in a long time. It was that frantic sense of doom where you lose control of yourself and all logic. When I don't know what force is propelling me forward or making decisions for me, cause it sure as h*ll didn't feel like it was me. It feels like someone else is controlling my body. All I was conscious of was one thought that kept repeating over and over, "do something to stop this", Stop this, stop this, stop this, stop this.... It never stopped except for little breaks where all that could get through was a burst of terror -- a knowing that something bad was happening. All I did was shake and pace around saying "f*ck" inbetween sobs. I haven't felt dangerous in a long time but I was so scared.
I emailed another one of the crisis lines (which they said was an alright option) and no one returned it. The one before that wasn't a crisis contact but they didn't return a message either and that was like two weeks ago. I don't understand. CC told me to use these places. Is this what happens to others who call/email them? F*ck.
Then I looked up the Intake number for the hospital and planned in my head how I would call and go there this morning. I was too afraid though when morning actually came. I went to T and told him how bad I was doing and that I'm both afraid I will hurt myself, and terrified what I won't be able to follow through when I decide I really want to -- though the other times I've been suicidal it was in that detatched, crazed state where I didn't have thoughts that went any further ahead then that exact second. I don't even want to SI cause I feel like I'm just mocking myself cause I never do dangerous damage anymore. Just scars -- that's it. Scars that laugh at me afterwards for not finishing the job. I CAN'T STAND THIS!
I told him everything and asked him to talk to me about what it would be like to go to this certain hospital. He said he'd take me if I want but that it was horrible, and institutional, and gross there. I think I wanted him to say it would be alright. But I think I'd rather kill myself than end up there. He barely said anything. I hate talking about sh*t like this with him - and haven't in ages. It's a far f*cking cry from reading poetry and presents. He said he didn't know what to say, and didn't want to say the wrong thing to make me worse, and then he just pet my arm. We just sat there in nothingness, him looking at me then at the ground then at me. And I just kept feeling the panic swelling and I thought if I blinked too hard I'd start bawling or screaming or throw-up. It was f*cking awful. He looked like he was hurting, and I appreciate that, but I needed more. I don't even know what though.
Then he asked about this medical referral I'm trying to get moving and how I'm getting jerked around because this fax has to come from here, and arrive there, before this can be accepted, and appointments can be made to talk about the test that will follow a million f*cking years down the road. Somebody has to f*cking help me or kill me right now cause I CAN'T take this anymore. It's been forever already. Where is my mind when my body needs it.
I've been on the phone more in the last two days than I'd normally be in a whole week, trying to push through this medical BS. And now this. I can't keep trying. I can't smile "as if" anymore. I'm trying all the cr*p I've had drilled into my head and it's useless. I can't stand it. I want someone to help me but I can't fight for any of it anymore. I need help to get help but no one is there. I wish someone would kill me. I want to be done. Not different. Not improved. Done. I feel like if I don't do something I'm gonna live forever in this sh*tty prison :"(
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/692476.html